See Me
by Loverhusband
Summary: A glimpse into Blaine's horrible past and a look at his possible future - with Kurt. Switches between Blaine POV/past chapters and Kurt POV/present chapters. Blaine goes to some very dark places. Kurt gets to be Prince Charming for a change.
1. Mister Cellophane

**A/N: Hey readers! This is my first fic on this site. I have written and posted some to LJ, but I recently have been getting into this site a lot and reading many wonderful fics. I decided to add something of my own. I hope you enjoy it and review! This is only chapter one. I fully plan to continue this.**

**A/N: So a bit about this fic. I decided to take up the "Blaine's Old School" thing that has never been fully addressed on the show. This chapter is 100% fully Blaine POV, but Kurt POV will come in soon. It does get quite angst-heavy I guess and there is one small instance of self-harm. Please do not read if you have troubles with self-harm **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Glee or any of the characters in Glee. Sadly.**

_If someone stood up in a crowd__  
__And raised his voice up way out loud__  
__And waved his arm and shook his leg__  
__You'd notice him..._

_'Cause you can look right through me__  
__Walk right by me__  
__And never know I'm there..._

Blaine looked at himself in the mirror, the darkness of the room shadowing everything apart from the vague outline of his face. It was 4:54 am according to the blinking green LED clock from back inside his bedroom. He barely moved an inch and just continued to stare blankly at himself as if he was waiting for something to change.

"Maybe this time..."

He reached down into the sink, full of ice cold water, and scooped out a handful of the freezing liquid. With one quickly swoop he splashed the water on his face, letting it slowly drip down as he squeezed his eyes shut with great intensity.

"Please, God...just let me be different this time..."

Opening his eyes slowly, he looked back into the dreary mirror. But Blaine did not look, or feel, any different than he did at 4:50 am. Or 4:45 am. O 4:40 am. In fact, he had looked and felt the same for the past three hours. The only thing that had changed was Blaine's face. It had begun to turn a slight shade of blue and he was noticeably shivering all over.

Every five minutes this continued on, each time Blaine getting more and more upset when nothing seemed to change. Finally, the clock let out a deafening, steady beep as it read 6:00 am.

"No. No it cannot be six yet. It was just six. It can't be six. Not again!" cried Blaine, running over to the beeping clock to stop the horrible noise.

Sure enough, footsteps could be heard walking around the floor above Blaine's head. This marked the end of Blaine's nightly ritual as he crawled back into bed. He hoped that his father had not heard any of the noise he was making, but he never did; he never heard anything. Blaine tried to close his eyes and sleep a little while longer, but his brain would not let him escape the present. In about two hours a new day would begin as he walked out the door and headed towards the looming building in the distance – school.

As the clock struck 7:59, Blaine let out a few stray tears. He had been watching it tick away, minute by minute. Secretly, he hoped that if he watched the clock for long enough it would tick slower...and slower...and perhaps never even reach 8:00. Alas, today was not that day. Sixty seconds passed and he was forced out of bed by a knocking on his door.

"Sweety! Your breakfast is ready!" chirped his mother in a happy tone.

Blaine faced the door, a devastatingly sad frown his face, but without missing a beat chirped back "I'll be up in a minute mom!" in an equally happy tone to his mothers; perhaps even slightly happier.

Once he heard her footsteps echo off into the distance, he collapsed to the floor in sobs. It was here. Another day. All Blaine wanted was for these days to simply stop coming so fast, one after the other after the other in a stampede of weeks and months all at once rushing towards him at once. He could take them one at a time, but after a while the days just start to...blur.

After Blaine got dressed, packed his bag, and splashed one last burst of cold water in his face (still nothing different) he took the first steps towards the day. With one a deep breath, half sobbing as he inhaled, he opened the thick door to his room. The second the door opened, a smile burst out over his face like a gunshot and he bounded up the stairs with life and energy. He was going to face the day. He had no other choice but to face the day.

"Hey mom! Oh, smells good! Anything interesting in there?" piped Blaine as he kissed his mother on the cheek and sat down to eat his bacon and eggs.

She was reading a small pamphlet titled 'Oak Ridge High School Weekly News' and sipping coffee out of a 'World's Best Mom' mug that looked like it was made for an elementary school Mother's Day project.

She smiled back at him and said "Oh, nothing much. I see the Drama department has a new play, though? You didn't tell me, Blaine! What is this one about? Oh I always love those school plays."

Blaine cringed on the inside. 'Drama department' were two words he seldom used at home. He remained composed however, not letting his mother see what effect it had on him.

"Oh? I thought I did. It's nothing much. Just a play based in the 60's"

"Sounds interesting. Hairspray? Such a funny name for a play, don't you think?"

He brushed it off with some silly comment and continued to eat. All he wanted was to finish and get out before a second round of questions. Evidently, his mother noticed this.

"Oh honey! I know you are excited to get to school, but you should really slow down. You have plenty of time to eat, dear" she laughed, walking out of the kitchen to go turn on the TV in the next room.

Time. It was just what Blaine didn't want to hear. Still, he remained composed. Now that his mother was in the other room, it was far easier for him. Blaine loved his mother, he really did, but even just smiling drained him of the little, precious energy he had left. He would need all of that, and then some, for what was coming next.

Blaine waved goodbye to his mother from the sidewalk and started on his walk to school. It took him about ten minutes to get from their average sized suburban house to the local high school. Of the entire day, this walk was one of the highlights for Blaine. It was the one time he did not have to think or be anything he wasn't. He could just walk in silence and drift into his head.

"Two more days to the next weekend...Two more weeks to the next holiday...Six more months till the next summer break...Four more years till I am free..." he mumbled to himself as he walked along.

Counting was important to Blaine. He counted everything by time. He always knew just how long it was to the next four day weekend or how many minutes were left in the school day. He even had the number of average steps it took to get to school down. He had a list of numbers to count off every day as he walked. It helped him prepare for what was to come. But today, as he got to one particular number, he stopped - counting and walking.

"Zero. It's zero days left until the cast of the school play is posted"

Panic set in. Blaine started to run towards the school in the distance, gaining speed as he saw it come closer into focus. He had to reach the school before everyone else. The list was going up and he was on it.

"8:27. I have three minutes before Mrs. Tebbit posts the list" he said, looking at his watch.

As he reached the front doors of the school he stopped to catch his breath. Looking up he saw the words 'Oak Ridge High School' looming over him in black, shadowy letters. He would have rather not spent an extra three minutes, or three seconds, at the school today, but he was willing to spend another three hours if it meant stopping that list.

He ran down the long hallway, rows of old blue lockers on both sides, and saw the doors to the gymnasium at the end. Mrs. Tebbit was opening them and walking inside, a piece of paper in her hand.

"MISS TEBBIT!" hollered Blaine from half way down the hall, after looking around to make sure no one else was there. She turned around and looked at him strangely.

Mrs. Tebbit was an older woman with long brown hair and a slightly wrinkled face. She wore very long, flowing dresses and was quite the odd woman when compared with all the other teachers at the school. As a drama teacher, she was definitely the most theatrical of the staff. The majority of the time she smiled and laughed, even if there was nothing to smile or laugh about. Most of the kids thought she was on drugs, but not Blaine. She was Blaine's favourite teacher (by default – he really didn't like any of the other teachers).

"Ahh! Good morning Blaine! Come to see the cast list put up on this glorious and WONDERFUL day?" she said, throwing her hands above her head and laughing.

"Miss Tebbit...I...er, well..."

Blaine didn't know how to tell her. For the past month he had wanted to, but he could not find the right time. He had auditioned for a role in the musical one day after school. He wanted to do it so badly, feeling like a part of him was missing that he could only re-claim by walking out onto the stage. The only problem was he didn't want anyone to know. He thought that in a month he could find a solution, some way to stop the cast list from going up but still take part in the musical. Well, it had been a month. He had no solution.

"Our doubts are traitors, And make us lose the good we oft might win" said Mrs. Tebbit.

Blaine just looked at her, stunned. This was a habit of Mrs. Tebbit's. She knew what you were thinking at any given moment and she also had some obscure literature quote, usually Shakespeare, to throw at you.

"Miss Tebbit, I know I should have said something sooner, but...I don't think I can have everyone know. T-that I am in the musical. I try not to stand out. All I want to do is fit in. This..."

"Oh my. Dear, you can't live your life amongst the shadows! Come out! Come live in the light and the land of the living!"

Blaine was sure she had winked as she said "come out". He signed, and kept on desperately trying to convince her to not put up the list.

Two hours later, Blaine was sitting in English class and not knowing what had just happened. He had his mind set on either delaying the list being put up or quitting the musical. Somehow he had done neither. Now all he could do was watch the clock and count the minutes towards the next class, P.E, and everyone finding out.

"Ok class, before you all leave..." Mr. Reid, the tall, awkward looking English teacher, started to say.

A collective groan sounded from the class.

"...now, now! I have given you almost no homework this entire week. I want you all to write five hundred words on one of the three authors we have been discussing in class. You can choose whoever, just make sure you follow the class guidelines."

"Whatever! This is so gay!" groaned a large boy at the front of the class. Mr. Reid did not seem to notice and he kept writing out the assignment on the board.

Blaine copied down the assignment as fast as he could and jolted out of his chair to make a break for the gymnasium. Perhaps he could still get there in time to scribble his name out or steal the list, he thought.

"Blaine, can I see you for a second?" called Mr. Reid from the front of the classroom.

"Ugh" Blaine muttered to himself as he sauntered towards the front of the room.

"I heard that." Mr. Reid snapped.

He had been held back for about five minutes as Mr. Reid lectured him about "daydreaming" during what he called "the single most important class you will ever take in your entire life". Blaine seriously doubted that statement, even though he did generally like English as a subject.

Blaine walked towards the gymnasium doors and hoped that no one had seen the tiny sheet of paper pinned to the wall inside. He knew no one really cared about the school drama department anyways. But as he was about to open the doors he heard laughing from inside. Blaine instantly jumped to the conclusion they must be laughing at him. Although for years now anyone someone laughed he jumped to this same conclusion.

"I can't believe fairy boy is actually in the school play!"

"I know, right? He might as well come to school in a dress."

"And did you read the name of the part? Link! Isn't that a girl's name from that video game?"

"No, you idiot. That is Zelda. But everyone knows Link is a fag anyways. He wears a skirt and hangs out with a little fairy."

"It's disgusting they still let that dyke of a teacher put on these faggy plays. It makes me want to gag."

"Hey guys, when Blaine comes inside let's do that wrist flail thing. Do you remember his face the last time? It was priceless."

Blaine froze in his tracks. He could not move or speak. His lip started to quiver and he just stared blankly at the door. He started to slowly step away when he heard something that really made him cringe.

"Ok, ok guys. Enough chatter. Go run some laps around the gym."

It was the voice of Mr. Arnold, the P.E teacher. He had been standing there the entire time and had not said anything to stop them. Blaine didn't know what to do, so he just ran down the hallway as fast as he could away from it all.

He went to the only place he felt safe at the school: the handicap bathroom. Once inside, he collapsed onto the floor and, finally, let himself feel. Blaine was good at holding things inside, but he knew the second the broke he would not be able to stuff all those feelings back inside. At this point he just didn't care.

A flood of tears poured down his face as he gasped for air between sobs. It was not fair, he thought to himself. The crying soon turned to rage as he smashed his bare hands against the cold tiles on the ground. He grunted and grinded his teeth as he beat on the ground with as much force as he could.

"No one c-cares...at all...about m-me..." he sobbed out loud, finally letting his hands rest on the ground.

The crying started to return however as he let himself remember what had happened only moments ago. The word "fag" was now ringing inside his head like a bell he could not stop from chiming. He started to grunt again as he shook his head violently from side to side. He reached into his bag and looked for something – anything – to make the ringing go away. He just wanted it to stop. He just wanted the day to be over.

All he could find was a black ball-point pen. He took the lid off and jabbed it into his leg, piercing a small hole in his jeans in the process. It felt awful, but Blaine did not care. Nothing could feel as bad as what was going on inside his head. Blaine was about to do this again when he heard someone outside the washroom.

"Blaine dear? Are you inside the rest room?"

It was Mrs. Tebbit. Blaine had no clue how she knew, he had never told anyone about going into that washroom to cry, but it did not surprise him too much. He quickly put away the pen, wiped off his face and got up to open the door.

"I-Im here, yea..." Blaine said softy as he opened the door.

Mrs. Tebbit looked sad, more sad that Blaine had ever remembered seeing her. For once she did not speak. They just looked at each other in silence for a moment.

"Sweet are the uses of adversity..." she started to say, but was cut off.

"No. I am sorry, Miss Tebbit, but I just...I can't right now."

"I know, dear. I am sorry. Perhaps this is one thing our dear Bard does not have a witty response for."

Blaine could feel the tears coming back once more. All he could do to stop them from coming was to lunge out at Mrs. Tebbit and hug her. This was very unusual for Blaine, but something about her just invited the embrace.

"Shh. It's ok, dear. It's ok" she cooed as Blaine started to sob.

Twenty minutes later Blaine had composed himself enough so that he could go to his final class of the day, History. He looked down at his watch. Only one hour more, he thought. Everything seemed slightly more bearable at this prospect.

"Blaine! Skipping P.E? Really? Not that I'm surprised, actually. Well you know the drill. Get this slip signed by your parents for tomorrow. No one skips and gets away with it in my class!" roared Mr. Arnold as he thrust a green slip of paper into Blaine's hand. "You 'artsy' folk..."

Blaine knew exactly what "artsy" was supposed to mean. It stung on the inside, but Blaine's tough outer shell showed not so much as a flinch as he starred the teacher right in the eyes and took the slip. Turning away, Blaine stormed down the hall and towards his next class. However, the second he turned a quiver escape his lips. He was not going to be able to hold much more in today.

"Hey fairy boy, afraid you might chip a nail in P.E?"

"At least he didn't have a chance to look at us while we changed today. Maybe you should just never show up to class again, fairy boy!"

Blaine did not even turn around to see who it was. In front of him he could see the front doors to the school. He was about to break open. The emotions were going to pour out of him like a ruptured dam. All he could do to stop it was to run to those doors. He didn't care how many late slips he would have to sign at this point. He swung open the doors, took in a deep breath of the open air, and kept running. He never looked back.

"One more days to the next weekend...Two more weeks to the next holiday...Six more months till the next summer break...Four more years till I am free..."

**A/N: I hope you enjoyed that! Sad, I know. Before anyone asks: Yes, I am writing from experience. This is not *my* experience, but I am writing from having been bullied for being gay and coming from a background of depression and self-harm. And yes, I am 110% better now. It does get better! I will try and update this story in the next few days. Reviews will help me update faster ;)**


	2. You're the One That I Want

**A/N: Oh my! Thank you to ALL the people who read chapter one, and especially the people who filled my e-mail inbox with alerts and reviews! I am so touched. I am already loving the community on the site from what I have seen. I am very proud to be amongst you wonderful glee fans and fellow writers **

**A/N: This chapter is, as promised, from Kurt's POV. It is set in the present somewhere around the Christmas episode. Before or after I did not really decide. It is before Christmas holidays though. It is much more "fluff" than "angst" because I wanted to break up the Blaine POV chapters with something positive. The next chapter will be VERY angst heavy.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Glee or any of the characters in Glee. Sadly.**

_I got chills.__  
__They're multiplyin'.__  
__And I'm losin' control.__  
__'Cause the power__  
__you're supplyin',__  
__it's electrifyin'!___

_You better shape up,__  
__'cause I need a man__  
__and my heart is set on you.__  
__You better shape up;__  
__you better understand__  
__to my heart I must be true._

Kurt looked at the Mahogany framed clock on the wall. He still had another 25 minutes of Biology class until lunch time, and more importantly lunch time with Blaine. With some practice and self-restraint, Kurt could make it through first and second period without thinking (too much) about lunch. However, it got increasingly hard during third period when he knew it was only a short hour away. He would often catch himself just starring at the beautiful clock and watching the second hand tick...tick...tick away.

"Ahem. Kurt?" said Mr. Thompson from the front of the room.

Busted. Mr. Thompson was nice enough for a teacher, definitely nicer than most of the ones back at McKinley, but daydreaming was a big mistake in his class.

"Perhaps you should stay behind for a few minutes after class? I would love to have a nice chat about what is so riveting that it could pull you away from the structure of plant cells."

"Y-yes, Mr. Thompson" Kurt sighed, sinking deep into his chair.

The entire class room was now staring at him, some smiling and some just shaking their heads. Kurt still found the uniforms at Dalton strange, and when the thirty boys, all in uniforms, turned around to look at him in unison, he felt like they would either break out into a musical number or turn into flesh eating zombies; perhaps even both.

Kurt decided the best way to kill time, and not get caught, would be to doodle while glancing up at the board every so often. Flipping to a new page in his notebook, he began to write out "Kurt + Blaine" in various font types and sizes. He wrote silly love song lyrics in the margins of the page such as "At last my love has come along". He decided some hearts were in order, so he filled the remaining blank space with some of those. He knew it was all very elementary school crush of him, but he had just...never felt this way before.

Glancing up at the clock, he saw one minute remained in class. He knew Mr. Thompson was keeping an eye on him, but at this point he just could not keeps his eyes off the marvellous clock as it ticked down the seconds to seeing Blaine.

"Ok class. That is all for today. I hope you all have a good weekend! I know Christmas break is coming up soon, so just read the next chapter in the text and I will find some kind of in-class assignment for us instead of any homework."

Cheers erupted from the classroom. Various students vocally thanked the teacher and some even started to dance in their chairs. The workload at Dalton was a lot more than Kurt was used to, but the teachers seemed to really respect the hard work everyone put in.

"And Kurt, just don't let me catch you daydreaming again, ok? You can go now too."

"Really? Thank you Mr. Thompson! I won't let it happen again" Kurt said, smiling at the teacher and doing a little awkward bow before he grabbed his books and jolted out of the classroom.

The cafeteria. Kurt did not know Dalton's hallways all that well yet (there seemed to be an endless amount of them) but the one thing he knew was how to get to the cafeteria from any given point in the school. It has become his and Blaine's ritual meeting place after third period.

As Kurt entered the cafeteria, he saw Blaine sitting at a table on the opposite end of the room; alone. Kurt breathed a sigh of relief. Sometimes he would enter only to find Wes or one of the other Warblers sitting next to him. Kurt didn't have a problem with the Warblers, but Blaine seemed to morph into another person around his fellow glee club members. Actually, the more Kurt thought about it, Blaine was only really Blaine when they were alone. So today he would have his version of Blaine. The far superior one, Kurt thought.

Before he went to sit down with the dashing boy, Kurt pulled out a small mirror from the satchel he carried around his shoulder. It was a small golden mirror with Kurt's name on the handle in big flashy lettering. He had made the mirror himself a few days after his first Warblers meeting in an attempt to remind himself who "Kurt" really was. He looked at the small mirror and fidgeted with his fair a little.

"Kurt, you look fabulous. Go get your man" he muttered under his breath.

Putting away the mirror, he confidently walked over to the table where Blaine was at. He sat directly across from the stunningly beautiful boy. Blaine was busy reading a newspaper and didn't even notice Kurt was there.

"Ahem. Anything newsworthy happening in our cozy little town?" Kurt said, making himself known.

Blaine looked up and instantly a smile lit up his face. Kurt carefully studied the smile, trying to decipher just what it meant. He had a list in his head of the various Blaine smiles and their corresponding meanings The most common one Kurt liked to call the "barbie doll smile". That smile was plastered onto his face in many Warbler practices. This one however was real. It was the kind of smile Kurt was sure Blaine could not control; it either happened or it didn't.

"Kurt! I was just thinking about you."

"Oh? While reading about...'Mysterious Cattle Deaths Baffle Local Farmers'?" Kurt read off the paper in front of Blaine.

Blaine looked at his feet and chuckled. This was another thing Kurt had noticed about Blaine. He often looked away when he laughed or smiled – or showed any emotion, really. It was quite endearing to Kurt, especially because only he seemed to have this effect on Blaine.

"No, silly. I was just lost in thought. I figured staring at this paper was a good way to look busy. Plus, I looked quite refined reading the newspaper while..." he started to whisper "...the people behind us talk about Megan Fox's breasts."

Kurt snorted, and the two boys behind Blaine looked up from their conversation to glare at them. Blaine would have never said that if another Warbler was around, Kurt thought. This made him quite happy, if not a little bit sad for Blaine as well.

"Ok, so perhaps that is a message that we should leave. Want to head off campus? I'll drive us to that sushi place you love" Blaine said with a wink.

"They do have a very nice interior design in that place. It makes it much easier to digest food over the grey and...well, more grey of this place. Just let me grab something from my room first, ok?"

Blaine raised an eyebrow and shot Kurt a confused glance, but nodded his head. "Meet you outside then in five" he said, walking off. Kurt was memorized by the way Blaine's backside looked and watched him walk off until Blaine exited through the doors on the other side of the room.

With a gleeful sigh, Kurt bounded up to his room. There was a definite spring in his step. He was falling in love, and this time he felt like it was ok to let himself. Blaine was not straight for one, but more importantly had been flirting with Kurt since the day they met. Kurt didn't want to rush in too fast at first, but he had spent a sufficient amount of time being flirted at for his mindset to switch. He was now in full-on "make Blaine mine" mode. And he loved every second of it.

Kurt swung open the door to his room and fell onto the bed. He was so happy he could just burst open at any moment. He knew there was nothing particularly special about the day. Class, more class, and some sushi. For Kurt though, every day felt like a miracle. Each day with Blaine was a new experience for him. Getting sushi with another boy felt as triumphant as climbing Everest. Heck, a few short months ago Kurt thought Everest seemed like a more realistic goal than getting sushi with another boy.

"He is going to love it. I know he will" Kurt said, getting up off his bed.

He grabbed a small, silver package off his nightstand and walked back out the door. It was the first gift he was going to give to another boy. It was nothing special, just a movie, but Kurt was so excited to see the look on Blaine's face. He knew being off-campus was the perfect time to give it to him as well. This way the real Blaine was sure to be 100% present.

The second he opened the large doors to the school he saw Blaine. He was standing in front of his small, black car that he had pulled up to the curb.

"Your carriage awaits, my prince" Blaine said, bowing and opening the passenger door.

It was all too much for Kurt. He started to blush violently red. Embarrassed, he jumped into the car before Blaine could notice...much.

"I love embarrassed Kurt. He is my second favourite kind of Kurt" cooed Blaine, shutting the door behind him.

"Oh? And what would be your favourite then?" coaxed Kurt as Blaine hopped into the driver's seat, Kurt starting to return to normal color.

"That would be singing Kurt. Something...changes...when you sing" Blaine said, not daring to look at Kurt as he did.

"Well, I am not the only one. I think singing Blaine is my favourite Blaine, too. When you sing it's like you drop 200 pounds of baggage and just, well, sing. It's refreshing"

Kurt knew he had crossed a line as soon as the words escaped his mouth. He knew very well the changes Blaine went through depending on his environment, but he also knew very well this was not a comfortable subject for Blaine. He had hinted at it once or twice and been given the awkward subject change.

"...yea. I know. Singing is really special to me, Kurt. I, well..." Blaine started to say.

"It's ok. I get it. You don't want to talk about it. Just know that I get what you are trying to say."

"You remind me of someone I used to know, Kurt. Thank you for that."

"So. Sushi sounds good right about now. Shall we?"

Blaine was not the only one who knew when it was time for a subject change. With that they were off. It only took about ten minutes to get from the campus to the restaurant. It was just enough time for a few classic Broadway tunes as they both belted out the words to "Take Me Or Leave Me" (Kurt taking the Maureen part) and "Maybe This Time".

They walked into the beautiful building, walls covered with old Japanese style artwork, and each ordered a plate of California rolls. Kurt liked almost every type of sushi, but he knew Blaine hated it all. Ever since Kurt mentioned his love for the food however, Blaine had insisted they go out for sushi whenever possible. Kurt felt bad for letting him pretend to enjoy the food, but a little part of him was enjoying Blaine's sacrifice far too much to say anything.

"Mmm. These rolls sure are good today!" Blaine voiced emphatically as he took a bite of his sushi.

Kurt had to stuff his mouth with two rolls at once to stop from laughing. He decided that after today he would say something about it and put Blaine out of his misery. For now he wanted to soak up all the awkward Blaine he could.

"So...I know it is not Christmas yet..." Kurt started to say, putting down his chopsticks and taking the silver present out of his bag.

"Oh Kurt! No! You should not have gotten me anything! It's not even Christmas yet! I have not bought you anything yet! This is so not fair!" protested Blaine.

"Ok, for once you are going to have to suck it up and just accept my doting on you" Kurt said, forcing the package into Blaine's hands.

Blaine rolled his eyes and started to open the gift.

"So I hope you don't already have it. I mean, it's nothing much, but I noticed the other day you didn't seem to have this musical in your collection. Frankly, I was kind of shocked. I thought you might even have two copies of it! I know I do – and before you ask, no, this is not a hand-me-down copy. I went and bought you your own. And don't feel like you need to buy me something back, because this i-..." Kurt started to ramble on, but was stopped by the look of shock on Blaine's face.

"I-It's...Hairspray" Blaine said, frozen in place. The color was starting to drain out of the boys face – fast.

He dropped the DvD on the ground, started to shake his head violently back and forth, and backed up out of his chair. Kurt had never seen Blaine act this way. It was starting to scare him a lot.

"B-Blaine, what is it? Are you ok? Did I do something wrong? What is it, Blaine?"

The boy was not responding. He just kept shaking his head and trembling as he starred at the DvD on the ground. Kurt thought Blaine looked like he had seen a ghost with a terrible fashion sense.

"I...I can't...I...I..." Blaine started to mutter.

Something took over Kurt and he sprang to action. He took the DvD and stuck it back in his bag. Then he took Blaine by the shoulder and led him out back to the car, placing some cash and a generous tip on the table.

"Sssh. Blaine, it's ok. It's ok, Blaine" Kurt cooed softy in the scarred boy's ear.

"I...I...I..."

"It's ok. I'm here. It's ok."

**A/N: I'm sorry if this counts as ending on a cliff-hanger! I hate doing that, but this felt like the right place for me to stop. So, I hope you enjoyed this slightly more fluff-like chapter? I really love the ending, personally. I would love to see what you guys think in a review! And fair warning: The next chapter is going to be even darker than the first, so it *may* take me longer to write. But chapter 4 will be back to fluff!**


	3. Will I?

**A/N: Thank you. That is all I am going to say about the reviews/alerts this time. Thank you.**

**A/N: I had planned to finish this chapter yesterday, but I wanted to add another scene. I feel like this chapter is perhaps not quite as...well, sad...and I wanted it to be. Expect *major* angst in chapter 5. As always, I hope you enjoy and review! Please let me know of anything you enjoy/don't enjoy and want to see more of/want to see less of!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Glee or any of the characters in Glee. Sadly.**

_Will I lose my dignity?__  
__Will someone care?__  
__Will I wake tomorrow__  
__from this nightmare?_

"How am I back here already..." Blaine thought to himself as he walked up the steps to his school, the words 'Oak Ridge High School' still looming above him as menacing as ever.

To Blaine, each school day dragged on like a long movie that does not know when to end. Likewise, once he left, the rest of his day flashed by with the effortless speed of a blink of the eye. The boy swore it was some kind of cosmic joke aimed at him. Sometimes Blaine felt this way about his entire life, like he was the least favourite play thing of a giant child in the sky.

"Maybe I can just turn around. It's Friday anyways, only today and then I have the weekend. Monday will be better. I am sure of it. All I need to do is just...not go today" Blaine tried to ration to himself.

He looked backwards towards the friendly street and a chance at escaping. It looked very inviting, almost as if the cement was warm and glowing. Then he looked back at the school, not so inviting and definitely not warm. Something pushed him though. He could not quite put his finger on what it was, but he just had this small feeling deep inside that one day it would all be worth it; one day he would not have to count anymore.

"Ahh, dear Blaine! Thinking about leaving, are we? You're not planning to miss the first rehearsal of the school musical I hope!" said a familiar voice from behind him.

Blaine turned around to face Mrs. Tebbit. She was smiling at him and shaking her head in a playful manner. It was very strange how she managed to just appear behind him like, but Blaine had stopped trying to figure her out a long time go.

"No, no. I am staying" he sighed, glancing one last time at the now fading street.

He looked at the tall, old woman smiling in front of him and could not help but admire her. Blaine had to face the endless torment of being verbally harassed day in and out, but so did she. He heard the things they said about her. Sometimes Blaine thought they were even worse to her than they were to him. Yet she never stopped smiling or laughing. Blaine only dreamed of being that strong.

"Um, Mrs. Tebbit...can I ask you something?"

"Of course, dear! How else do you expect to find the answers?" she chucked.

"Does it ever...get better?"

"Depends on what 'it' is, I suppose. Romeo and Juliet for example definitely never gets better" she mused, now staring into the sky and looking quite puzzled.

"I...I mean..."

"Yes."

"What?"

"Yes. I do believe it will get better."

She was still looking up at the sky, but now she was smiling again. Blaine wanted to ask her what the 'it' she was referring to was, but he didn't really have to. He wanted to know if he would ever be able to stop counting the days; if there would ever be a reason to look forward.

"But, how do you know?"

"Well, I suppose I don't" she said sadly. "But most people, Blaine, they don't live. They wake up, they eat, they breathe, they sleep, and they wake up again. No reason for it, either. They do it because it's better than the alternative: not living. For the rest of us though, that is not enough. We need a reason to wake up. We need a reason to breathe. And once we find that reason – that thing that makes our lives worth living – everything becomes a little...well, better. Maybe not a lot better, but without it nothing seems quite complete, does it?"

Blaine just stood there nodding, understanding her completely. He had always felt that little something that pushed him forwards. It was a feeling that one day things could perhaps get better...if he found that something. Some days this feeling was strong and some days it was hardly a flicker in the dark, but it was enough for him to stumble through the day.

He suddenly realised something: Mrs. Tebbit had said we. Blaine had not missed that tiny, two letter word. It caught him by surprise. Had she been where he was now? Yearning for some reason to keep pushing forwards? She seemed so happy though, more than any person he had ever met. Blaine just had to know why.

"You found your reason, didn't you Mrs. Tebbit?"

"Yes, Blaine. I did" she said, letting out a small chuckle.

"What was it?"

"Susan."

She reached around the back of her head and pulled off her silver locket she always wore around her neck. It looked very old and hardly sparkled, although Blaine had a feeling that at one point it must have been the most radiant and beautiful thing. She opened the locket and inside was a small photo of a young woman. Blaine thought she was one of the most gorgeous women he had ever seen. She had long blonde hair and a very gentle smile, almost the opposite of Mrs. Tebbit's smile but still maintaining that soothing feeling.

"She passed away ten years, eight months and seven days ago. We met thirty two years, seven months and fifteen days ago. She was the most wonderful person. I was truly blessed to have known her. Truly blessed."

Blaine looked up at Mrs. Tebbit, half expecting to see her crying, but was shocked to see her face lit up with a bubbly glow. She looked almost as if she was growing younger by the second as she ran her finger across the outside of the small locket. Blaine could tell that they had loved each other deeply. The fact she had counted the days since their meeting was very soothing to Blaine. He hoped that one day he would have something to count the days from instead of towards.

"Now! We must be off. The day has begun and we must play out the parts we have been given! I trust I will see you after school for rehearsal?"

Before Blaine could answer, she had turned around and started to walk off. Blaine didn't notice until she had left that he had been smiling. His face stung a little as the smile vanished and the reality of the day set in. He had hope for some kind of a future now, but he seriously doubted his strength to keep on going until that future arrived.

As he walked inside towards his first class of the day, all the hope started to escape and was replaced with fear. With each step he took towards his classroom another worry entered his mind. "What if I never find my reason? What if I am just counting towards my death?"

Blaine stopped and took a deep breath, trying to expel these thoughts out of his mind. At best, he managed to push them a little ways towards the back of his brain. They would eat away at him during the day, but it was better than consuming him whole.

He walked first to the front desk of the school and handed in his two slips of paper from the classes he had missed the day before. Normally he felt guilty handing the papers over to the school secretary, like he was handing over a signed confession of a crime he had committed, but today he just didn't care.

"Just six classes today. Six classes and I will be free for the weekend."

He repeated this statement under his breath as he slowly walked towards the English classroom. It seemed to help, but something snapped him out of the self-incused trance. In big, bright yellow letters upon a rusted blue locker was the word "FAG". It took Blaine a second, but he quickly realised that it was in fact his locker.

He quickly tried to rub part of it off with his finger. It was completely dry. He started to sweat and turn bright red as he looked around the hallway. A small group of people were gathering nearby, all pointing and snickering at Blaine and his newly decorated locker. The group started to grow as more and more people stopped to see what the commotion was about.

"Wow. I almost feel bad for the guy" someone in the crowd muttered.

"You feel bad for the kid who broke his leg, not the queer who gets what he deserves" some else said.

It was all too much for Blaine. He was now gasping for air as he raced down the hallway. His first instinct told him to run home, but he didn't want his mother to find out about the locker. His next instinct told him to run to the handicap bathroom. Blaine didn't know if he would ever be able to leave the bathroom once he entered it, and something had to be done about the locker, so he decided to go to the principal.

The principal of the school was an old, very large man named Mr. Sawka. He was rarely seen outside of his office apart from the odd disciplinary measure or pep rally. Blaine had never liked the man. He felt patronized every time they would talk, like Mr. Sawka saw the school as one big daycare of un-intelligent children. None the less, something had to be done. All Blaine wanted was for that awful word to be gone. He didn't care about punishing those who did it as long as it was gone.

"Mr. Sawka will see you now" said the small lady at the front desk, not looking up from her computer as she did.

Blaine slowly opened the door with the words 'Mr. Sawka' in gold lettering and walked inside. The room was very dark and old books lined the walls. It felt very medieval to Blaine. As he sat down on the tiny wooden chair in the middle of the room, it gave off a loud creaking noise.

"Aah. Blaine. So what brings you to my office today? All Lucy told me was that you required..." he looked down at the paper on his desk, slipping his glasses on to read it "...an 'Urgent Meeting'?"

Mr. Sawka chuckled as he said the words. Blaine made a fist in lap and squeezed as hard as he could to stop from shouting at the man about how urgent this really was.

"Yes. Erm, Mr. Sawka...sir...someone wrote a word on my locker. With spray paint."

"Ah. I see. I imagined something a little more urgent when you so elegantly called this an 'Urgent Meeting' but I suppose this is a problem. What word would this be?"

Blaine didn't want to answer the question, but he knew there was no way around it.

"The word was 'fag' sir" said Blaine, getting very quiet as he let the seldom spoken word escape his lips.

"Ah, good! I was worried it might have been a different 'F' word. Would have received some awful parent complaints if that 'F' word started appearing on lockers. Anyways, the locker is school property that you are required to look after while you are attending Oak Ridge High. It will be your responsibility to clean off the word."

"But sir!"

"You can talk to one of the janitors and I am sure they will be more than happy to lend you some very fine quality cleaning products."

"But I didn't write it! That is not fair."

"Is that all then?"

"But..."

"Is that all then?"

Blaine opened his mouth to protest again, but decided that it was hopeless. He knew Mr. Sawka was not going to change his mind.

"I hope I haven't taken up too much of your time" said Blaine emotionlessly as he got out of the small chair and walked out of the room.

Blaine had missed most of his first class at this point, but he didn't care. Actually attending a class seemed like a distant memory to him. He felt this should be a troubling prospect, but what was the importance of grades if you didn't think you would ever make it out of high school alive? He had about ten minutes until class started and all he wanted to do at this point was break down and cry.

Once he had locked himself inside the familiar walls of the handicap bathroom, he let himself do just that. Blaine sat on the toilet and let the tears flow freely and he sobbed and wept and rubbed his eyes and nose till they were bright red. It was strange, but to Blaine it felt good to let out all that bottled up emotion. It took every last bit of strength he had left to sit through the meeting with Mr. Sawka and he was tired of remaining composed. He didn't want to be strong any longer.

Looking in the mirror, he saw just how red his face was. This caused him to cry even harder as he knew that it would be noticeable in his next class. The last thing he wanted was to draw even more attention to himself. Blaine was sure the bright yellow plastered on his locker did a fine job of that.

"Oh god, my locker!"

Blaine had almost forgotten about what Mr. Sawka had told him. On top of everything he would now have to scrub away the words. Himself.

"Why can't soap and water wash it away from inside me, too?" Blaine grumbled to himself.

He knew the words would come off the locker, eventually, but no amount of water would change him. The endless nights he had spent trying to wash away the feelings he was having had shown him that. As Blaine touched his face, he could still remember the familiar feelings of cold water running down at five minute intervals.

He could barely remember a time when those feelings didn't exist in him. There were a few fleeting moments of his childhood where everything was good, but that had all changed in grade 6. Blaine remembered going to church one completely normal Sunday morning with his parents. The day had started out so bright and sunny, like the entire world was on Blaine's side. It was with the echoing words of "If a man lies with a male as he lies with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination. They shall surely be put to death" that things had darkened considerably.

Blaine had wondered what the pastor had meant, so he asked his mother. Without skipping a beat, his mothering told him that it was when a boy wanted to kiss another boy like he would a girl. This confused Blaine a great deal, as only recently he had wanted to kiss his best friend, a brunette boy named Jim from his class. Blaine wanted to talk to his mother about this, but something in his gut told him he was not supposed to talk about wanting to kiss Jim. Ever.

Since that day, Blaine had not once talked about those feelings to anyone. Somehow when he got to high school, it didn't matter that he didn't talk about them because people just seemed to know anyways. It was another cruel joke, Blaine thought. He had spent all this time trying to hide his true self behind an elaborate mask he had created only for it to be rendered useless against high school bullies.

"Blaine, dear. I believe class starts in about two minutes!" shouted a voice from outside the bathroom.

It was Mrs. Tebbit, and Blaine could hear her heels clicking away as she walked down the hallway. He looked down at his watch and, surly enough, he had about two minutes left before class.

"Ok, Blaine. You can do this. Five more classes till the weekend. Five more classes till the weekend. Then you have two days without school. You can do this."

He kept repeating this to himself as he wiped off his face with toilet paper and tried to make himself look as if he had not just been crying for a solid ten minutes. Un-satisfied but starved for time, he un-locked the door and wandered off to class.

As Blaine had predicted, the next five classes went by slowly and painfully. By third period it seemed like the entire school knew about the painted locker and no one seemed keen on letting him forget. The kindest of these reminders came in the form of silent glances or soft whispers paired with the odd pointing finger. Blaine could deal with these. It was the not so soft whispers that really hurt.

"I heard that one of the yearbook staff got a picture of it. This is going to be hilarious!" exclaimed one girl a few rows in front of Blaine during math class.

Blaine felt more alone than he ever had before. On top of this he felt angry; angry that no one else at the school seemed to be going through the same thing. Not everyone joined in on the teasing, granted, but he felt like they might as well be if all they were going to do was stand around and watch.

Finally, sixth period ended. People flooded out of the classrooms and started towards the doors at the front of the school. Blaine wanted nothing more than to join them and leave, the semi-bright prospect of two days without school looming just outside the doors. Rehearsal for the musical was starting in five minutes however, so the weekend would have to wait.

Blaine knew he would have to walk past his locker to get to the gymnasium for rehearsal and he was dreading this. The vivid image of the word plastered on the door entered his mind whenever he closed his eyes, even for just a second. It would feel good to scrub it off at least, he thought. After practice.

"What the..." Blaine stammered as he approached his locker.

A new word had been spray painted above the old one. Together the words read 'DIE FAG'. Blaine instantly fell to the floor in a lifeless slump. He felt as if an arrow had been shot right into his heart. He had been called gay, fairy, queer, fudge packer, homo, fag and endless amounts of other words, but never had it been put so strongly in two simple three letter words. 'DIE FAG'. In that moment, that is exactly what Blaine wanted to do.

"I can't do this anymore..." Blaine said emotionlessly.

He laid his head against the cold floor and tried to cry. All he wanted to do was cry; to feel something, anything. But he couldn't. He had shed so many tears already that day. Blaine had nothing left to give. All he wanted to do was just lay there and never get up – ever.

Blaine tried not to let these types of thoughts in, but he found that once he opened the door, even just a crack, it burst open and there was no way to shut it again. All at once Blaine started to feel helpless, hopeless and utterly defeated. Just as he started to muse about some truly dark ideas, he heard a noise.

Without looking up from the floor, he raised an ear slightly and tried to figure out what the noise was. It was a strange scratching sound that was very unfamiliar to Blaine. He forgot all about the hopelessness and just concentrated on the noise. He was afraid to look up, not knowing what he would see.

When he finally did look up, he saw Mrs. Tebbit scrubbing the door of his locker. She had a bucket of soapy water and various sponges, brushes and other cleaning products. Blaine starred at her but did not re-act. He did not know how to, truthfully. He opened his mouth to say something, thank you perhaps, but no words come out.

"I wish I could stop all this from ever happening to you in the first place. But I can't. All I can do is stand with you after the fact and...well, try and clean up the mess" Mrs. Tebbit said, sounding very sad as she did.

Blaine scooted across the floor and to his locker. He picked up a sponge, dipped it in the warm, soothing water, and began to scrub away at the 'F'. He did not speak, but he knew he didn't have to. For the time being, he was not alone. This was one battle he would not have to face alone.

Mrs. Tebbit looked over at Blaine just as he glanced up at her. As their eyes met, Blaine could sense that she was trying to think of something to say to him. The cogs of her mind were very evidently spinning. Blaine just kept eye contact with her and waited. A part of him wished she never figured out what to say and they could just be in each other's company forever.

"I know you can't live on hope alone but without hope life is not worth living" she said finally, then quickly looking back at the locker and continuing to scrub.

Blaine looked back at the locker as well and kept scrubbing. For the next hour they both just sat in the middle of the hallway in silence until the job was done. It was a good silence, Blaine thought. Even though nothing was being said, he felt like they were still constantly communicating.

After the locker had been returned to its regular state, Mrs. Tebbit had cheerfully said goodbye and left, taking all the cleaning supplies with her. Blaine was glad to have been rid of the awful words on his locker, but he knew it would be a long time before they would be erased from his mind.

"Two full days until school...Two weeks till the next holiday... Six more months till the next summer break...Four more years till I am free..." Blaine repeated to himself as he walked home.

He let out a deep sigh of relief as he walked up the front steps of his house. Before he opened the door to go inside he stood up a bit taller, held his head up a bit higher, and forced a huge smile upon his face. Satisfied at his disguise, he opened the door.

"The principal called. I know about the locker. We need to talk" his mother said, a troubled frown on her face.

Blaine instantly let go of his forced smile. The day he had feared since grade 6 had finally come.

**A/N: And ANOTHER CLIFFHANGER! Don't hate me, please? Anyways. I hope you enjoyed it. If you can't tell, I love Mrs. Tebbit. Also for those wondering, she is loosely based off the English teacher in Were The Word Mine (including the name) but is not the same character. Next chapter will be up in 1-3 days (I hope!) and be Kurt POV and full of extra fluff**


	4. Not Alone

**A/N: Thank you to everyone who has filled my inbox with story alerts and such! This chapter is for Effemay who makes me feel like a much better writer than I actually am. ON THAT NOTE: please ignore the small spelling and grammar errors that I know lurk all over this chapter. **

**A/N:I said this chapter would be extra fluff. I lied. It is low~medium fluff. I feel like the ending however makes up for any lack of fluff leading up to that point. As a fair warning, the next chapter will most likely be the darkest one period. You will understand what is coming once you finish this chapter.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Glee or any of the characters in Glee. Sadly.**

_I've been alone__  
__Surrounded by darkness__  
__I've seen how heartless__  
__The world can be_

_I've seen you crying__  
__You felt like it's hopeless__  
__I'll always do my best__  
__To make you see_

_Baby, you're not alone__  
__Cause you're here with me__  
__And nothing's ever gonna bring us down__  
_

Kurt knew very well that people saw him as the damsel in distress, not the knight in shining armour. Kurt also knew that he did not _care_ what people saw him as. Blaine was obviously trying so hard to be the knight, Kurt mused to himself. But here he was: sitting in the back seat of Blaine's car with a boy who was crying and shaking all over. It was time for Kurt to don the armour and saddle up on the horse; his damsel was _definitely_ in distress.

"Blaine, I am not good with the...touching...but I am going to cuddle with you now, ok? You look like you need a good cuddle."

Kurt gulped, feeling a giant lump in his throat that he assumed was the materialized form of his fears. Just a month ago he would wince when anyone touched him. It was not fair, Kurt thought, he was not like this normally. He was still angry at Karofsky. It was because of him that he had put up this giant wall. But with Blaine, Kurt felt like that wall was finally ready to come down.

"S...S..." Blaine mumbled looking very frustrated that the words would not come out.

Kurt climbed into the back of the small vehicle and put his arms around Blaine ever so slowly. He let them run along Blaine's coarse uniform jacket and slide around to embrace Blaine at the shoulders. Then he slid the rest of his body in behind Blaine, forming a human blanket around his back. Kurt knew Blaine was having a full on Broadway Diva melt-down similar to the ones brought on by heroin or cocaine, but he could not shake that over-powering feeling of how wonderful it felt to hold the scared boy.

"Ssh. It's ok. You're not alone, Blaine."

"...OORY!" Blaine burst out, gasping for air. Kurt instantly felt Blaine's shoulder loosen up. He must have been trying to get out that word for some time now.

He was about to ask Blaine what exactly he was sorry for, but then realized how stupid of a question that actually was. On the one hand it was, of course, an apology for throwing Kurt's gift on the ground and acting like it was a bomb. But really, Kurt thought, it was not about that at all. He had seen just how hard Blaine tried to protect him. From all the 'wise gay mentor' advice to the actually physically driving down to Lima when called, he had been a perfect gentlemen; almost too perfect.

"It's ok. Don't worry" Kurt said, now slowing stroking Blaine's back with one of his hands. This caused Blaine to loosen up a great deal more. "You can lower your guard once in awhile. We all have baggage, Blaine. Were you even paying attention during Rent last weekend, or the weekend before that? Didn't you get the whole 'we are all fucked up' message? Even you, Mister, are not perfect."

Blaine had now grabbed Kurt's free hand and was gripping on to it like the handlebar of a roller coaster. "Yea" he said, very quietly "I think we have established the 'Blaine is fucked up' part. I would be a shoe in to be cast as Rodger." He was obviously starting to feel a bit better.

"Stop talking, you big idiot. I don't care" he paused, before softy singing "_I'm looking for baggage that goes with mine_" into Blaine's ear.

Kurt knew they had to get back to class, but he decided some things were just more important that school attendance. Such as cuddling with very adorable, and very vulnerable, Dalton boys. Blaine had not seemed to mind in the least bit either. The two of them just sat in the back of the car as their hands explored various little bits and pieces of each other's bodies. The whole thing was very innocent, though. Both boys seemed to have a mutual understanding. This was strictly a comfort cuddle...for the most part.

Eventually, the boys managed to make it back to school. They had missed two classes, but arrived just in time for last period. For Kurt, this was French class - something he was already very good at. He used the class time ("free block" as he liked to call it) to sort through all the emotions bounding around in his head like an African wildlife stampede.

"I wonder why he tries so hard...why he thinks he has to protect me..." Kurt thought to himself. This was a question that kept coming back.

He thought, at first, it was just because Blaine was worried for him. Kurt knew his situation at McKinley had not been great and Blaine had seen it firsthand. But as bad as it was, Kurt knew he was stronger than it all. He had been fully prepared to fight it out at McKinley. Blaine knew this too and on more than one occasion had told Kurt that he was ten times as brave as he had been at his old school.

"No, it has to be something more than that..."

Another very attractive thought was that Blaine was doing this all out of Love. Kurt would get stuck on this idea for quite a long time. He had to be honest; some of the flirting the two boys had exchanged was in no way "subtle". Wes had given them quite a few knowing looks during their Warbler rehearsals. Kurt had even overhead David saying to Blaine "Dude...'Your lips look delicious'? Get a room" after they had practiced Baby It's Cold Outside one week.

"Blaine would not be going all 'Mamma Bear' on me out of some kind of strange, warped idea of love. He has his songs to express all that...and I do think he might...love me...but this is something else. But what is it..."

The bell rang. Kurt snapped back out of his head and quickly copied the assignment off the board. Thoughts of Blaine had not left his head once the entire class and they were not about to now. All he could think about was "I wonder if Blaine made it through class ok" and "I hope Blaine is doing better now" but most of all..."Why the hell does that boy hate Hairspray so much?"

He walked down the hall at a very quick pace, trying to get to Blaine's dorm before Blaine. He knew the boy usually hung around his classroom for a few minutes after class to socialize, so he only had a little bit of time. Kurt had a plan, and that plan involved breaking and entering.

Blaine knew everything – everything – about Kurt, deeming it necessary if we was to 'help Kurt with his problems'. Well, it was Kurt's turn to help Blaine, so he would have to do the same. Somehow he doubted the 'dazzling eyes and charming smile' technique Blaine had used would work in reverse, so he figured using a little 'Bonnie and Clyde' technique would have to do.

"Damn, Kurt. Just sit back, relax and enjoy the ride! This boy wants to sweep you off your feet! Show you the world! All that romantic crap from the old movies."

He remembered the phone conversation he had with Mercedes just a few days ago. This was right around the time Kurt was starting to doubt the perfectness of his Prince Charming. He told her about the "barbie doll smile" and the way Blaine became a different person while he sang. To Kurt, it was cause for an impromptu phone call to his best friend. However, the direction of the conversation had started to...shift...

"Mercedes, did you ever think that perhaps I am not Princess Jasmine? Maybe I am the one with the ugly flying carpet and annoying monkey. I can be the feet sweeper you know!"

"Please. Kurt, everyone knows that this Blaine boy is your boo. Let him do the wooing. You just have to sit back and look fabulous like always!"

"Are you even listening to me? Why does everyone just assume I am going to sit on my ass and wait for a man! I am not some freaking princess who needs saving!"

"Oh, so I suppose him 'saving' you from the big bad bully at McKinley means nothing then, right?"

That was the exact moment that Kurt had hung up on her. They had not spoken since. He was not going to listen to other people tell him who he was. Blaine needed saving and he was sure of it. Kurt could read Blaine like a book, and it was starting to read like a tragedy.

When he got to Blaine's dorm no one was around. Kurt sighed in relief and, with one final glance around the hallway, started to work. He reached into various parts of his clothing and body and pulled out several bobby pins from hidden locations. It was a talent Kurt was quite proud of. Just like when he used to break into the craft supply room at McKinley, he easily un-locked the door.

"Wow..." he said, sniffing the air "...it still smells just like him."

Kurt knew he was short on time before Blaine caught him red handed, but he could not help take a quick dive into the boy's bed. It had not been made from the night before and a faint out-line of where the boy must have slept was still visible. Kurt just lay where he knew Blaine once was and closed his eyes. It felt perfect.

"O-ok. Searching for hidden bits of Blaine's troubled past. Perhaps a ticket stub from a Hairspray performance starring Matthew Morrison. That ought to have done it..." Kurt mumbled as he got off the bed.

He felt like a kid in a toy shop. Every drawer held a new surprise. Kurt found a beat up acoustic guitar in the closet, a well-read harry potter book in the bed side table, and a pair of far-too-pink pink sunglasses under the bed that Kurt felt should forever be trapped in a Legally Blonde movie. It was like the mystery that is Blaine was being unravelled one strand at a time.

Then Kurt found was he was looking for. A diary. He sat down on the bed as he held it. The small book was black and, like harry potter, seemed to have been used a lot. There was no lock on it, but Kurt felt much worse about opening this than he did about breaking in. He was not sure if he wanted to do this. Snooping was one thing, but a diary...it felt very wrong.

"This...this is not some little girl's diary about cute guys and hormones. Blaine needs help, he just does not know it" Kurt tried to ration with himself. "My help."

Finally, Kurt opened the book. The first page was dated about two years ago. It was too late for him to turn back now, so he decided to read on...

_Dear Diary,_

_I wish I had someone who would listen to me. Someone who would know me – the real me – and not judge me for it. But I don't have someone like that, not even a dog or a goldfish. Somehow though, I'm afraid even you will judge me. Heck, even simple paper is worth more than I am. They charge us ten cents a page for you at school. Me? I am not worth a single cent._

Kurt could not believe what he was reading. He had always been able to somewhat see into that thick head of Blaine's, but this was different. The person writing this did not seem like the Blaine he knew at all – but in another way it very clearly was Blaine, from the first letter on. Kurt could not help himself now. He had to keep reading.

_...Every night since I was eleven I have prayed to God to change me. I tried everything. I even bargained with him. "God, if you take away these feelings, I will go to church twice a week". It didn't work. "God, just take away these feelings. You can even make me blind or deaf or mute in return, whatever you want to take". That didn't work either. Then I heard about baptism. It was supposed to fix it. Every night I would try and wash away the feelings with water. Every night I would be the same. I just want these feelings to go away. I just want to be normal._

Kurt was now crying, evident by the small tear stain that fell on the word 'water' as he read. It was so hard for Kurt to understand what Blaine must have felt like. Kurt was not religious, so he had never blamed or turned to God when he was struggling with his sexuality. He felt...sad...for Blaine. It was obvious how much he hated himself. Blaine never even used the word 'gay' once. This was almost unbearable for Kurt to read, so he skipped a couple pages and read a different date.

_Three more days to the next weekend. Four more weeks to the next holiday. Seven more months till the next summer break. Four more years till I am free. Three more days to the next weekend. Four more weeks to the next holiday. Seven more months till the next summer break. Four more years till I am free. Three more days to the next weekend. Four more weeks to the next holiday. Seven more months till the next summer break. Four more years till I am free. Three more days to the next weekend. Four more weeks to the next holiday. Seven more months till the next summer break. Four more years till I am free._

Kurt was stunned. The entire page was the same four lines written over and over. It looked like some kind of a cruel punishment to Kurt. The words started to all blend together as he let his eyes roll down the page and take in the magnitude of what Blaine had written. But as he focused on just one of the sentences, it started to look different. 'Till I am free' seemed very ominous but almost hopeful to Kurt.

"Four years? What happens in four years?" Kurt mumbled to himself as he looked through the other pages.

Some pages were like the first, pieces of Blaine's soul on the paper for Kurt to see, but many more were just numbers and dates written out in an endless fashion. The latter were hard for Kurt to read and he felt a pain in his heart as he looked at them. Skipping to another diary entry, he read on...

_Dear Diary,_

_Today will be the last time I write in you._

Already something about this entry alarmed Kurt. He quickly read on, knowing he did not have much more time.

_It's never getting better. I know that now. I thought I could find my reason for living in time, but I didn't. It's never getting better. Today will be the last day I count. I have reached the end. I don't want these feelings a single day longer. It was the first performance of Hairspray today. Mrs. Tebbit told me it was going to be fine. She told me everything would be "most excellent" with that deceiving smile of hers. And then she left me. I can't believe one performance could go so horribly, horribly wrong..._

"W-what are you doing with that!" yelled Blaine.

He ran over to Kurt, grabbed the book and threw it into the closet Kurt had been rummaging through. Using his entire body, he slammed the closet door shut and slowly slid down the down it to the ground.

He was not yelling anymore and coolly asked "How much did you read?" without looking up at Kurt.

Kurt was regretting ever thinking of his stupid breaking and entering plan now. His biggest fear may have just been realized: Blaine hating him. It was a fear that constantly plagued his mind. He could not bear the thought of loosing this boy.

"I'm not mad, Kurt. I'm just..." Blaine started to say.

The second Blaine had muttered the words 'not mad', Kurt had lunged off the bed and fell on top of Blaine, holding him in a tight embrace. He was crying into Blaine's shoulder.

"I'm so, so sorry Blaine. I'm sorry for everything. The breaking in, the reading you diary, and everything...y-you had to go through."

"Kurt, how much did you read?"

"I was just starting the day of your first, er, Hairspray performance."

Blaine let out the biggest sigh of relief Kurt had ever heard. It was obvious something had happened that day, something bad, that Blaine did not want him knowing about.

"Ok. I just...didn't want you to ever have to find out about...things..."

"But Blaine, you have to tell me these things! I don't want to gift you World War III next time I go to pick out a musical for you" Kurt laughed quietly, wiping away some tears. He was not sure if humour was going to get Blaine to open up but it was worth a shot.

"When I said things were bad at my old school...I was not exactly telling the truth. I'm so, so sorry Kurt" Blaine said, started to cry. "I should have told you, but...but the truth is I am just a big fake. I wanted to be there for you like no one ever was for me, but I am the last person in the world who should be trying to fix someone else's problems. K-Kurt...I tried to...that night...I tried...I want-...I..."

But Blaine could not talk anymore. Kurt didn't know exactly how he did it, but all he saw in front of him was a boy who really needed to be loved. So he kissed him. It was not exactly romantic or sexy, but he slowly touched his lips against the blubbering boys and let his body do the rest.

"...Kurt, I...I..." Blaine continued to blubber, shocked by the sudden kiss.

Kurt just took the boys hand in his and locked their fingers together. He looked intently at Blaine, who was starting to blush a bright red. This calmed down the boy who stopped trying to talk. Now he just looked...scared.

"You are not alone. You are here with me" Kurt started to say in a very strong voice. "I know how hopeless you felt. I know how many tears you must have shed. And I know you have a lot of baggage. Blaine..."

"Kurt..."

"...I love you."

Blaine instantly let go of Kurt's hand. His moth was wide open and his heart was obviously racing. Kurt was starting to worry that his taking charge was a horrible, horrible idea. This thought did not last for long however, as this time Blaine reached over and kissed Kurt. It was much more romantic the second time. They embraced each other, pulling their bodies in close. The kiss lasted twice as long this time and left both the boys gasping for air.

"I love you, too."

Kurt wanted to melt on the spot. It was everything he had been hoping to hear since the first day they met. For that brief moment, all the questions that plagued his mind about the small, black diary had vanished. It only took a second of their lips being apart for these questions to all rush back in at once.

"But you never did...I mean...you are still here...but Hairspray..."

"I'm not ready to talk about that day just yet..."

"But did you ever find your reason?"

At this question, Blaine started to blush. He went to open his mouth, but stopped. Looking around nervously, the room fell silent. Kurt was getting anxious and was about to repeat his question when Blaine finally piped up.

"You are my reason."

Opening the closet, he grabbed out the small black book. Kurt looked worried, still afraid of what was inside, but Blaine just nodded his head and opened to a page near the end of the diary. He handed it over to Kurt who started to read it.

_Dear Diary,_

_Today I met him. My reason. His name is Kurt Hummel. I didn't quite know at first, but when I saw him smile...I knew. He is not like any boy I have ever met. There are a lot of cute boys at Dalton, and even a lot of gay ones, but something about Kurt is different. It's crazy - but Mrs. Tebbit was right. Every breath I take is a little sweeter now. I can't even wait to wake up tomorrow, because I know when I do there will be a chance I can see or talk to or even just think about Kurt. Everything is different now. Nothing will ever be the same. I think I can finally stop counting towards the unknown. Starting now, I count away from this day. I have known Kurt Hummel for one day. I can't wait to make that two._

Kurt looked up at Blaine, shocked. He could not believe it. He wanted to say something, but he didn't know what. Nothing seemed appropriate after what he had just read.

"One month, one week and two days. That is how long I have known you for, Kurt Hummel. And I can't wait to make that one month, one week and three days."

**A/N: I hope the end makes up for any sadness caused up to this point? Sorry for the long(er) wait for this chapter! Christmas and all. Anyways, the next chapter will come in 1-2 days I hope. It will be very (very) angst heavy. I am thinking of adding a small summary of it in the next Kurt POV for those who want to skip it. Let me know, as always, what you think! Reviews are my personal drug~**


	5. See Me

**A/N: TWO comments about my fic that made me cry in one week? I love all my readers so much, even though there are not many of you ;) Also: if you want to find me on Tumblr or LJ my username is the exact same (loverhusband).**

**A/N: So I am very late uploading this. I wrote this chapter over a large number of sittings because it was very hard for me (due to personal reasons). It was supposed to be *THE* chapter, but I got caught up writing about Blaine and his mother so that is being pushed to part 7 (I hope). My own "coming out" to my mother went...well, worse than what I wrote here for Blaine. Let's leave it at that. But coming out to your parents is definitely one of the hardest things you can imagine. I don't think I captured quite how difficult it is here, actually. I hope that any other "queer" people reading this chapter can identify with Blaine and I hope that any straight people reading this chapter can somewhat understand what it might be like. That was my goal. Aaaaand end rant~**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Glee or any of the characters in Glee. Sadly.**

_Sometimes it's on the tip on my tongue__  
__But only spoken aloud, alone while I'm praying_

_I'm dying here, I'm all alone_

_You don't want to hear it__  
__You don't want to see me__  
__Can't bear to see me_

_Please see me_

"Why would someone write...that word...on your locker?"

Everything was happening all too fast for the fragile, scared boy. Blaine felt like he had just finished scrubbing his locker, the memories of the unrelenting yellow words still fresh in his mind, and here they were already back to haunt him. He didn't want to deal with his mother; not yet.

"Please, mom, can we just sit down or something? I just got home"

"Blaine, why would someone write 'FAG' on your locker?"

She looked very concerned and it was evident that she was not backing down. Looking closer at her face, Blaine thought it looked as if she had been crying. It was not too obvious, but Blaine knew what someone looked like after they had been crying. This gave him good reason to suspect this was a question about a lot more than just his school life.

"Mom, please. Can I take a shower first, maybe eat some dinner? I am tired. I just got home. Can-..."

"Why would someone do that? Answer me."

Normally, it would have been faster for Blaine to think up a lie than solve a simple math problem. Lying had become such a huge part of who he was over the years. Today though, nothing was coming to him. Still, ideas rushed through Blaine's mind as he stood in the doorway trying to figure out a way to bypass his mother.

"I don't know who it was. I don't know why they did it. Now can I please..."

"Blaine you are not going anywhere until I get some answers."

Looking up at her eyes, Blaine started to realise the concern he saw before was really panic. _Perhaps it is just my paranoia_, Blaine thought, _but I think she knows something_. He was sure that his mask had worked all these years. As far as Blaine knew, his mother saw him as a happy, well-adjusted boy with no problems at school or at home. This was always the image he had fought so hard to project to the world. It didn't have a single crack or flaw as far as he knew. Or did it?

"Look, I need to take a shower first. We can talk about this later!" Blaine said angrily, pushing past his mother.

"BLAINE! This is not going away! We are having this talk, like it or not!"

But he was already nearing his bathroom as he heard her voice from behind him. Blaine knew the problem was not going away – that was a lesson he had already learned, painfully – but he also knew he could delay it. That was all he seemed to have the power to do recently. Everything in his life had become about delaying the inevitable.

Once in the bathroom, he glanced over to the mirror. Looking at his reflection all he felt was anger. _Why me. This is not fair. I don't deserve this. I just want to be like everyone else – WHY am I not like everyone else? _He immediately then turned on the shower with the knob cranked as far to 'hot' as it would go. The fog on the mirror was a welcome friend to him as it blocked his haunting reflection. The last thing Blaine wanted to see right now was himself.

Still, after the mirror had been completely fogged out, he did not climb into the inviting shower. Blaine felt so overwhelmed that all he could manage to do for the moment was collapse onto the toilet seat. The noise of the running water drown out the noise he knew was coming from his nose and mouth, and paired with the mirror Blaine almost felt in that moment he didn't exist. He could not see or hear himself at all. It was, strangely, a comfort.

Eventually, he stepped off the toilet, shed his clothes, and slowly stepped into the hot shower. As he did, he felt everything start to slowly crumble. The water eroded the remaining bits of the wall he had built up around himself. He curled up on the shower floor and just let the water beat down on his side as he began to cry. There was no restraint left in these tears as they freely poured down his face like the water from the shower.

He was not ready to face his mother. He was not ready to go back to school. He was not ready to even get off the floor. Like the water from the shower nozzle, the tears seemed to be endless. One crushing defeat after enough had been piling up on the boy and it was getting far too heavy a load to handle. The thought of his mother perhaps knowing his secret was by far the heaviest thought on his mind. _If she knows, what will she do? How could she ever love me again? Will she kick me out of the house? Oh god, I might not have a mother after today – or a home._

"I just want it all to end." Blaine whispered under his breath. He was drown out by the noise of the water.

For one, curious moment Blaine toyed with the thought that – perhaps – his mother would be accepting. It was a very fleeting moment. Like a match in the dark it fizzled out quickly.

"How could anyone love me? I don't even love myself. I don't deserve to be loved. Not when I'm...I'm..." he continued to whisper into the ground.

He let out a huge sob. It was a word he never said, never wrote, never thought. The forbidden word. Blaine thought that perhaps by not even letting himself think the word it would somehow not be true. Curling his limp hand into a tight fist, he smashed the side of the shower. It felt good. He let himself wail his fist against the wall over and over until it felt numb.

"Gay."

He could not hold the word back any longer. Endless nights of endless prayers had not changed anything. Blaine finally had to accept the fact: he was never going to change. Nothing on the face of the earth could change him. The feelings were never going away.

All the noise he had been making in the shower had not gone un-noticed. A knock at the door and a frail "Blaine? What is going on?" from his mother send a cold shock down Blaine's body.

"She never sees me. She never hears me. Why now..." he moaned, before adding in a much louder tone "I'll be out in a minute!"

Until the first jet of cool water poured down onto his skin Blaine had not noticed just how long he had actually been in the shower. He slowly crawled up off the ground and let the cool water pour over his face for a long minute to mask anything else it showed. His time was up and he had delayed as long as he could. It was time to face his mother.

The next fifteen minutes were a blur. Blaine didn't remember getting out of the shower, getting dressed, or finding his way back upstairs to the living room. Somehow though he was sitting on the sofa next to his mother. They sat in silence, neither of them daring to make the first move. Until she made clear exactly what she knew and exactly what her questions meant, Blaine was not going to say a thing.

The silence in the room starting to tense up and Blaine felt like it was strangling him. His heart was racing and he felt little drops of sweat dripping down his back. It was as if he had been stuck in a cold, dark interrogation cell with a bright light beaming down on his face. Franticly he glanced around the room, looking for some kind of an out. All he saw however was a small piece of folded paper in his mother's hands. That was all it took for his mind to set ablaze as it thought up all the different possibilities for what was concealed on that page.

"Honey, you have to tell me about the locker at some point."

The silence had been broken. He could feel himself breathe slightly easier, but he still had to respond. His answer would have to be something that would please his mother and halt all further questions from being asked. No good would come of this conversation being drawn out.

"I don't know who wrote the word, mother. I changed to that locker recently so it must have just been bad luck, like someone just picked a locker at random. Maybe it was meant to just deface the school in general. People do that all the time. It's nothing new. Just bad luck. Anyways, it was just a word. A single, meaningless word."

Blaine was surprised at how easily and fluently the lie just poured out of his mouth as he opened it to speak. Even for him this was a good one. The last part was hard though. As he said the word "meaningless" he could feel his heart break a little. _If only she knew just how much it really meant._

"But it wasn't just a single word."

Blaine, who had been looking at his feet the entire time, finally made eye contact. He looked completely shocked. There had in fact been another word above the spray painted 'FAG' on his locker. A much worse and much more painful word. But how had she known?

"Don't try and deny it. I know you are just going to deny it. Someone e-mailed me a picture of it."

She slowly unfolded the paper she had clutched in her hand. On it was Blaine's locker. Both words in the putrid yellow painted on in giant letters. 'DIE FAG'.

"M-mom. It's just...I...I mean..."

This time nothing flowed out of his mouth. He was at a loss for words. No lie was going to cover up the truth now, not with that picture in her hands. It was amazing how much one piece of paper could change everything.

Blaine looked up at his mother again. This time she did not looked concerned, panicked or angry. The only emotion on her face now was a deep, painful sadness. He didn't know what it was about that face, but something clicked inside him because of it. In one quick move he fell into her lap and started to cry. He didn't care about walls or masks or fake smiles any longer. Now that he had let one go, all the rest had to follow.

"Dear...why would someone..." his mother started to say, rubbing his back in support.

"Because it's true" he blurted out, not quite sure what gave him the strength to do so.

"W-what?" she started to say, lifting her hand of his back. "I-I mean, perhaps you should eat something. Yes, it has been a long day I suppose. You should eat something, dear."

This was the last re-action Blaine had expected. He had just, more or less, outed himself. He was expecting any number of things to happen, but not this. She was obviously pretending that she had not heard. However, the way she talked, rushed and very scattered, showed that she had heard him loud and clear.

"Mom, did you hear what I said?"

"Perhaps some chicken? I could make rice too. What about corn?"

"Mom...did you..."

"No, no. Your father hates corn. I will make yams."

She was now off the couch and fleeing to the kitchen. Blaine was left alone on the sofa, sitting where his mother was only moments ago. It had taken him so much courage – courage that he frankly didn't know existed – to say those three words to his mother. Granted, they were not "the" three words, but the effect was still the same. Rage started to build up inside him and all at once consumed and replaced all the fear.

"Mother! Are you even listening to me?"

"Hmm? What was that dear? Yes, I think I will make yams."

"I don't care about the fucking yams!"

Blaine was now standing and red in the face. He had taken enough of this already. For years they had gone through their lives without actually seeing or actually hearing each other. Now it was time for all that to change. He was not going to be ignored – not today.

"Blaine! That kind of language will not be tolerated in this house! Now go wash up fo-..."

"MOM I'M GAY!"

A loud clank filled the room as the pot full of rice smashed against the floor. This was more the reaction Blaine had been thinking of.

"Oh god, look at what I've done" she said, collapsing to the floor and violently grabbing at the rice.

"Mom...it's ok...it's just rice...don't..." Blaine started to say, bending over to help his mother.

"NO! IT'S NOT OK. IT'S NOT GOING TO BE OK" she snapped, throwing the pot she had picked up across the room and smashing into the fridge. "Oh god, oh lord...oh...I'm s-sorry, Blaine. I just...I..."

But it was too late. He wanted so badly to hear the words that he had been dreaming about. "It's going to be ok". _If she would just say those words, maybe things could be better._ The 'not' was like a grenade that exploded all over these hopes. The rage that was helping keep him together was starting to fade and Blaine could feel the familiar tears forming once more. He turned around and ran down the stairs to his room.

He didn't want to run to his room, though. It was just another reminder that he lived in a house he could never call home. It did not feel like escaping to him, more like running back to a prison cell. Inside his room every footstep from above sounded like a gunshot. It was not a peaceful place at all. Still, he had nowhere else to go. At least he had a door between him and his mother now.

It took a few minutes longer than Blaine had expected, but sure enough the loud footsteps made their way closer to his door. Without the rage to fuel his speech, Blaine was not sure he was ready to talk to her just yet. The footsteps stopped in front of his door, but there was no knock. It just fell silent like on the sofa from before.

"Just...please...leave me alone..."

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I snapped at you. I'm sorry I didn't...listen..."

"Then listen to me now and _just leave_."

"Blaine, I think...I think I always knew you were...different..."

The word 'different' sent a horrible tingle down his spine. It was not a word he wanted to hear, although it was one he had often used himself. All those nights he had prayed to be 'normal'. But now he didn't feel that fear. It was gone. The rage from before was starting to build again and he was finding his voice.

"I'm gay, mother. Gay."

"B-but...how do you know for sure? I...I mean, lots of people...they go through phases..."

"Mom! I'm..."

"Y-yea, I get it! Ok, ok! If you think you are sure..."

"I know I am sure!"

"I...I still love you, dear...even if you are..."

Blaine's heart broke right then. He knew exactly what that sentence meant. His mother was never going to love him the way she used to. Everything was different – because he was different. All the kind smiles, the hugs, the praise and approval he had received from her over the years stated to fade away. They were replaced with the sounds of falling pots, the screams of his mother's voice and the sadness in her face. Blaine was making these changes himself, though. It was another wall he was putting up. He was preparing himself for a life without his mother.

"And dear, you are not...w-well...involved with a boy are you?"

He had almost forgotten she was still at the door. The question was almost laughable. If she only knew just how much he hated himself for these feelings. There was no way he was ready to act on them, let alone accept them.

"No, mother."

"Because..." she stated to say, stopping mid breath. She seemed hesitant to say the next part, but after a few seconds she carried on in a quieter tone. "_If a man lies with a male as he lies with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination_. And Blaine...I'm just so scared t-that...you will fall off the path and...and...and get AIDS. I don't want you to...die..."

He was sure that she had been practicing this speech already. I made him so angry that she obviously had known he was gay and never talked to him about it. He had been carrying this secret around like a heavy weight for all these years...and she knew the whole time.

"I won't, mother" Blaine replied, not knowing what else to say to her.

"And you haven't told anyone have you? I don't think your Grandma or Aunt Martha would be able to...handle...such a shock. Perhaps it is best if you don't tell anyone else...and..." she stopped again, once more hesitant to carry on. "...and maybe we should not tell your father. Yet."

"Please leave now" Blaine said, cold and emotionless.

"But you're not going to tell anyone else, right? And perhaps it would be best if we don't talk about this again for...awhile. And honey, I still love you. Please know that I still love you. I just don't want life to be difficult. I mean your life. And hon-..."

"Please leave. Now."

"Ok...just know I love you..."

As he listened to her footsteps sound off into the distance, he knew that was the last talk they were going to have on the subject for a very long time. They were masters at ignoring the elephant in the room by now and it was obvious Blaine got his skill of hiding behind fake smiles from his mother. Things would never be the same, that was for sure, but things would never really change that much either.

Looking at his alarm clock, Blaine was shocked to see it was only 6:44. Soon his father would be home. This meant they would all sit around a table, eat their chicken and various side dishes, and talk about school, work and the weather. Nothing would appear to be different. The day would carry on as if the past hour had never happened.

Opening the drawer beneath his alarm clock, Blaine pulled out a small black thumbtack. Rubbing his thumb over the familiar plastic, he knew what he was going to have to do to make it through dinner. After tapping it with his index finger to make sure it was still sharp, he put it in his pocket and walked up the stairs to face dinner and his parents.

"Blaine, dear, I settled on yams and corn. It will be ready very soon!"

"Ok, I will just go wash up."

And just like that, he was back into the normal routine. Even though every time he closed his eyes he saw the words 'DIE FAG' and heard his mother's voice telling him it wasn't going to be ok, Blaine was still able to hide it all behind a smile and carry on like nothing had happened.

Five minutes later, he was sitting down at the dinner table eating and discussing his day.

"So Blaine, what did you do at school today?"

"Nothing much, father. Just another day I guess."

"And how was work, dear? Did you have any meeting today?"

"Nope, no meetings today. And how was your day Mary, anything interesting happen?"

"Can't say it did, but I did find this one good recipe today. I am dying to try it out."

The entire time the mindless banter carried on, Blaine had the small black thumbtack in his left hand. Every time he would feel himself breaking apart, a quick jab into his leg sent a jolt of pain through his body. It was a familiar pain, however. Blaine did not even seem affected by it. Actually, it almost seemed to help strengthen his plastic smile as he nodded while his parents talked. No matter what appeared to be happening on the outside however, he was feeling every last prick on the inside.

"Mother, may I please be excused from the table?"

"Yes you may, dear. Don't forget to put your things in the dishwasher first!"

Blaine put the thumbtack back into his pocket, stood up, and calmly exited the dining room. After putting away his dishes, he slowly walked down the stairs back to his room. The second he shut the door however, he let himself break down once more.

Within minutes of entering his room he was now on the floor letting out deep, painful sobs. He was careful not to make too much noise, but it was getting harder to control.

_People at my school want me dead, my mother does not love me anymore and God thinks I am an abomination. Why did I have to be gay? What did I ever do to deserve this? I just want to be like everyone else. I just want a normal life_

Opening the bedside table, he put back the thumbtack and took out a small black diary. This day had been one of the worst of his entire life. Unless he took some of the stress from the day and wrote it into his diary, he might do something he would regret. Writing always seemed to help, like every bit of sadness he captured on paper was one less bit inside him.

_Dear Diary,_

_Today I lost my mother._

**A/N: I hope I did justice to this chapter. It took me ages to write and I didn't do a proper edit of it. As always, reviews are my personal drug. I will sell my body parts off for reviews. But I have no IDEA what I am doing for the next Kurt chapter and it may take me awhile to get it up. *cough* ...but reviews help me write faster ;)**


	6. Bound to You

**A/N: The comments on that last chapter were so nice, so beautiful and so touching. I never expected to get so many multi-paragraph reviews about how impacted people were by the coming out story. The fact *anyone* actually takes time to read this, let alone review it, makes me so happy. So BIG VIRTUAL HUGS to all of you~**

**A/N: A big thank you to my wonderful friend Rebekah for the dinner idea. I wanted to find a way to contrast Blaine's mother with Burt and also explore more of Blaine's family in this chapter. It is...by far...the longest chapter I have ever written of a fic. As always, my "fluff" is more just angst with hugging. So yea. I hope you enjoy the angst with hugging? I also am trying to a) make the chapters flow a bit better b) add in more songs. So enjoy! This is my favourite chapter yet, personally.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Glee or any of the characters in Glee. Sadly.**

**P.S: Because this one is long I did not catch all the typos and such. Ignore them 3**

_I found a man I can trust__  
__And boy, I believe in us__  
__I am terrified to love for the first time__  
__Can you see that I'm bound in chains__  
__I finally found my way__  
__I am bound to you__  
__I am bound to you_

_Suddenly the moment's here__  
__I embrace my fears__  
__All that I have been carrying all these years_

"The way I see it, Blaine, you have two options. Option one involves a nice, quiet dinner with my father. Option two involves me getting to dress and style you for an entire week without any veto power whatsoever. Think before you answer this one."

"Kurt, I don't know about this..."

"Did I mention that I've always wondered what you would look like as the construction worker from the Village People?"

"...but I will take option one."

Kurt did his best evil laugh as he lifted his arms above his head in victory. It had only been about a week since they kissed, but Kurt just could not wait any longer. He had to bring home the adorable boy to show off. It was their last day of classes before the winter break so Kurt saw a convenient opportunity to make it happen.

Blaine looked very defeated though. They had been getting along great since the Hairspray DvD incident and this was the first time all week Kurt had seem him look this way. He looked like a sad puppy with big droopy eyes. _I hope I am not rushing things_, Kurt thought, _I will never forgive myself if I screw this one up_.

"Don't worry. My dad is amazing, I swear. This will be the first time I bring a..." Kurt paused, not knowing what work to say next. "...boy home. But he is very supportive. And I know he will love you. Because I love you."

Kurt walked over to the sad looking boy and threw his arms around him. He rested his head on Blaine's shoulder and closed his eyes. He felt Blaine relax a little and knew his message had gotten through.

It was a little bit surprising to Kurt how comfortable he had gotten with the 'L' word. They had both said it that night in Blaine's room and here he was saying it again. All week they had been going on little dates and exchanging more than just "friendly" hugs, but Kurt didn't know exactly how to label what they were. It was a subject they had been dodging all week.

"I know, Kurt. I'm not worried about your dad not being accepting. I'm just...scared."

Blaine was holding on to Kurt much tighter than normal. Kurt felt like he was being used as an over-sized, well-dressed teddy bear – but he didn't mind at all. He knew what it felt like to be scared. Walking down the halls at McKinley that was all he felt. Blaine had saved him from all that and opened up his eyes to a new world where he didn't have to be afraid. If he could do the same for Blaine perhaps they could move on; together.

Opening his eyes, Kurt saw his iPod speakers on the small table in the corner of his room. They were embraced near it, so without disturbing the wonderful hold Blaine had on him he was able to click play on the device. Instantly the room was filled with the sound of 'Time After Time' by Cyndi Lauper.

"Seriously, Kurt? Too gay to function."

"Ohoho! Says the person quoting Mean Girls!"

"Well you knew what it was from, too..."

"Shut up and sway already."

The two of them, still tightly embraced, just spun in small, slow circles around the room. Neither one of them said anything else or looked up from the spots on each other's shoulders.

_If you're lost you can look and you will find me_

_Time after time_

_If you fall I will catch you, I will be waiting_

_Time after time_

The lyrics really spoke to Kurt. He had not picked the song, his iPod had been on shuffle, but it was the perfect song for the moment. Blaine had been trying so hard to be there for Kurt and now Kurt was trying so hard to be there for Blaine. He felt like for the first time in his life he had someone other than his father that he could trust whole-heartedly.

"So you really think your dad will like me?" Blaine whispered softly, breaking the silence.

"Blaine, seriously. You are like every parents dream come true! I dare you to find me one parent who would not gush over how polite and gentleman-like you are."

"You are so very wrong about that..."

This line confused Kurt. He didn't know if it was just Blaine's low self-esteem or if it was something else.

"Besides, all he cares about is my happiness. And you make me happy, Blaine."

"You make me happy too, Kurt."

_Time after time..._

_Time after time..._

_Time after time..._

_Time after time..._

The song came to an end, but the two boys just kept swaying around the room. It felt so right, so perfect, and Kurt was not ready for that moment to end. Eventually, Blaine lifted his head up. Kurt felt this and looked up at him. They were now looking into each other's eyes. Kurt still saw a hint of fear in Blaine's. He was afraid too, not knowing what was supposed to come next. The seconds seem to slow down as they both moved closer and closer to each other until their lips were almost touching.

In some very bad timing, Kurt's iPod started to play "I'm on a Boat" at a very high volume level. The boys jumped apart as Kurt rushed over to turn off the machine. Blaine looked very flushed as he awkwardly ran his hand through his hair. Kurt was mentally smacking himself for ever putting that song on his iPod (even more so for changing the settings for it to play at max volume). _Of all the songs why did it have to be shuffle on? Why could it have not been a nice love ballad or some Celine?_

"Y-yea...sorry about that..." Kurt said, before collapsing face down onto his bed.

He heard Blaine walking across the room and thought the next noise would be the opening and closing of a door. Instead however, more noise filled the room as another song played. Looking up from his bed, he saw Blaine had hooked his own pink iPod up to the speakers. He was smiling at Kurt and beckoned him over with a single finger.

It was 'Kiss the Girl' from The Little Mermaid. Blaine was swaying back and forth and singing the lyrics, a sparkle in his eye as he did. Slowly, Kurt got off his bed and stumbled over to Blaine. He still felt embarrassed and seriously doubted that Disney was going to bring back the mood. As he got closer, Blaine intertwined his hand with one of Kurt's and hooked his other behind Kurt's back (reaching quite low).

"_And you don't know why, but you're dying to try...you wanna kiss the girl..._" Blaine sang, his brilliant eyes piercing through Kurt's.

It didn't take long for the mood to come back. As Blaine sang to him, all he could think about was how beautiful the boy looked when he moved his soft lips. After a few more lines of the song, Kurt could not help himself. Blaine was literally mouthing the word "kiss" over and over again; it seemed like a decent invitation. He jumped at Blaine and gave him a slightly forceful kiss. It only took half a second for Blaine to react and start kissing back. Kurt made a mental note about Disney and Blaine as he grabbed Blaine and pulled him in closer. The moment was definitely back on.

_You've got to kiss the girl_

_Why don't you kiss the girl_

_You gotta kiss the girl_

_Go on and kiss the girl..._

The next day seemed to rush by as Kurt planned out his dinner. It was very important for him that everything went according to his very detailed plan. He had managed to get Blaine to agree to a dinner that very night and his father had agreed almost instantly. Carole would also be attending, but (to Kurt's relief) Finn already had plans with Rachel and her dads. All he had left to do was figure out what to do for the actual food part of the dinner. He decided to phone up Carole, figuring she would be the easiest to explain things to.

"Carole? Hey, it's Kurt. I am having a small dilemma over the dinner tonight..."

"Oh, honey! I was just thinking about that. I know this is a very important dinner for you, so I was thinking of cooking up an extra special chicken and rice casserole for the occasion. We can break out the good china your father and I got for our wedding, too! I am so excited, dear! I cannot wait to meet the boy."

"That sounds...lovely. It really does. But I was thinking maybe we could have the dinner at Breakstix?"

"Oh...ok, dear" Carole said, sounding quite sad.

"It's just that I don't exactly know what Blaine likes to eat, or what his family dinners were like. This way we have a neutral location with a neutral pallet and I can introduce him to you and my father without any of the...other stuff...getting in the way."

"So then, what are you introducing this boy as? I'm picking up on the hints that this is not just some school friend you are bringing to dinner."

"I actually have not figured that part out yet."

"Just know, dear, that both me and your father love and support you. I know you might be scared to bring a boy home, but you don't have to be. Your father thinks the world of you, and given the opportunity he would not change a single part of who you are. Not a single part, Kurt. And you know that I adore you as well. You have nothing but support over here, got that?"

Kurt started to tear up a little and was very glad this conversation was taking place over a phone. After he thanked Carole and said a friendly goodbye, he hung up and continued on with his plans. Next up was the clothing. He had kept a close eye on how Blaine reacted to his various outfits and was starting to get a clear picture of what made the boy's heart tick.

Taking out a pair of his best skinny jeans, he nodded in approval knowing that Blaine would not be able to think clearly once he saw how they looked. He paired it with a purple stripped v-neck shirt and a tight black vest. Kurt thought it might be a little casual, but he knew it would get the reaction he wanted from Blaine. The best part was he didn't even have to do much with his hair. A couple of sprays of various hair products would give it the natural poof look that he noticed Blaine loved so much.

He had some time to kill before the dinner, so after he texted Blaine with the info ("Meet at the front door 4:15. Going to Breadstix. Wear your best. But leave your hair messy 4 me? – K") he decided to watch some of Hello, Dolly! to kill time. It was one of his favourites and perfect for the occasion. Kurt just sat on his bed and watched the small TV in the corner, singing along to the various songs. Once 'Put On Your Sunday Clothes' came on, Kurt started thinking about Blaine and his special request.

"I wonder what he will be wearing tonight..." Kurt mused to himself.

Although Blaine often saw Kurt out of his uniform, as Kurt always jumped at the chance to wear something apart from a blazer, Kurt rarely saw Blaine out of the familiar Dalton crest. When he did wear his own clothes, it was mostly just old jeans and plain shirts. Kurt would never admit it, but he absolutely loved the way Blaine looked in his tight-fitting, worn out clothes. Still, he was excited to see Blaine in something more classy. All he could picture in his mind was Blaine dressed in a black suit and bowtie from the old MGM musicals, ready to sweep him off his feet at the end of a big musical number.

"Oh shit, it's almost 4:00" Kurt exclaimed as looked at the clock on his wall.

He rushed around his room looking for his phone, wallet and pack of mints. Looking in the mirror one last time, nodding in approval, he headed down to the front of the school to wait for Blaine. It was still a little bit early, but the anticipation was all too much. As he approached the front doors, it seemed that Blaine felt the same way as he was standing there pacing back and forth. He looked up at Kurt and flashed a weak smile.

The sight of Blaine caused Kurt to stop and gasp openly. When Kurt had said "wear your best" he had expected a nicer pair of jeans. Blaine however was dressed in a very expensive looking navy blue suit with a flawless white shirt. It was topped off with an adorable blue bowtie and a pair of nice dress shoes. And just as Kurt had requested, his hair was left curly and un-tamed. It was enough to make him visibly drool. This was the sort of thing he daydreamed about regularly.

"Well, this is one for the record books. I'm usually never the under-dressed one!" Kurt laughed as he walked up to the nervous boy in the suit.

"You told me to wear my best, so I did." Blaine said, awkwardly shuffling over to greet him.

"And if I told you to get a tattoo of Cher's face, would you do that too?"

"Probably. I am going to this dinner after all."

It was very obvious that Blaine was still worried about the dinner. Kurt reached out and grabbed the boy's hand. He wanted to tell him that everything was going to be fine, that the dinner would go over great, and that he wanted nothing more than to show him off to everyone. No words seemed to be able to express this all to Blaine, so he just grabbed his hand. It was simple enough, but to Kurt it was special.

"Come on, we better get going."

Kurt took charge and led the boy outside. It reminded him of the first day he visited Dalton and the way Blaine led him down the winding hallways. Everything seemed to move in slow motion and, for the first time in a long time, Kurt felt safe again at a school. Maybe now he was returning the favour to Blaine? It was something he had wanted to do a great deal since he got a hold of the sad, black diary.

Once they got to Blaine's car, Kurt was forced to let go of Blaine's hand. Before he did, he looked up at Blaine and noticed that his smile was now genuine. He was even blushing, all the more evident by the blue suit he was wearing. They climbed in the vehicle and got ready to start on the trip back to Lima. As Blaine was about to turn on the car however, he stopped to look over at Kurt.

"Kurt...thank you."

With that, he turned on the car and started to drive. It was quite confusing what had brought on this particular thank you, but looking down at his hand, still warm from Blaine's grip, he knew exactly what it was for. It seemed that maybe he had returned the favour.

The rest of the car ride was very much their usual show-tune extravaganza. Because of the longer trip however, Blaine convinced Kurt to put on the Disney playlist from his iPod for awhile. Kurt figured that it might keep Blaine from worrying too much about the looming dinner, so he gave in and let it shuffle away.

"DIG AND DIG AND DIG AND DIGGTY!" the boys screamed together as the familiar lyrics from Pocahontas blasted out of the car stereo. Kurt felt very silly, but it was fun to revert to his childhood for awhile if he got to sing with Blaine.

"_All of my life I have searched for a land like this one_" Blaine sung in a very swoon-worthy rendition of Smith. "_A wilder, more challenging country I couldn't design_."

"You sound way too sexy right now. I think you need to stop."

"Oh? Sexy you say? It seems you have a weakness for Disney, Mr. Hummel. I will make note of that."

Kurt knew almost everything they said to each other at this point was shameless flirting. Still, he was getting frustrated with the pace things were moving. They obviously both liked each other, but the topic of "boyfriend" had not once come up yet. It was a new word for Kurt, but he wanted so badly to be able to use it. It was amazing how big a difference the three letters made from "friend" to "boyfriend".

Many Disney songs and the entire soundtrack to Chicago later, they arrived at Breadstix. As Blaine parked and turned off the engine, he sat back and sighed, running his hand through the back of his hair. Kurt wanted to ask just why he was so freaked out about a simple dinner, but he decided not to ask and just grabbed his hand again, giving him a knowing look.

"They are going to love you, Blaine. Don't worry."

All Blaine could do was weakly smile at him. It was not much, but the fact he was willing to do this when he was so obviously not prepared was a small comfort to Kurt. He felt kind of bad for pushing Blaine, but seriously doubted a dinner could do any harm. Looking across the parking lot, he noticed that his father's vehicle was already parked nearby.

"Ok, well we better go in. And listen, if you get too overwhelmed, just tap me on the knee or something and we can go outside and take a breather, ok?"

Blaine nodded his head and seemed to relax a tiny bit. Kurt was starting to really like being the Prince Charming and he felt like he was doing a decent job of it too. For months all he wanted was for someone to save him. Then Blaine came along, but to Kurt's surprise it was Blaine that needed the saving. Kurt had always had it bad, but he knew it was not even close to what Blaine suffered through.

They got out of the tiny car and walked towards the restaurant. Once inside, Kurt instantly saw Burt and Carole sitting at a booth across the room. They were both on the same side, leaving room for Kurt and Blaine to sit together. Grabbing Blaine's hand again, he walked over to the booth.

"Hey Dad, Carole. This is Blaine. He is my..." Kurt paused. It was the moment he had been dreading.

"...boyfriend" Burt said bluntly, looking Blaine over.

Kurt looked over at Blaine. He was already looking at Kurt. They shared a look and instantly knew what they were. All it had taken was for someone to say the word out loud. Kurt shuffled in to the booth to face Carole and let Blaine take the isle – and also Burt. Blaine looked very nervous as Burt was looking at him with a slightly raised eyebrow. Kurt felt like perhaps all the promises of his father's approval were a bit hasty.

"What do your parent's do, Blaine?" Burt asked suddenly.

"U-um, my father is a dentist and my mother used to be a nurse."

"You ever drink, smoke or do drugs?"

"Dad, I..."

"No, sir. I do not condone any under-aged drinking, I dislike smoking in general, and I have not done or plan to ever do any illegal drugs."

"What kind of grades do you get at school?"

"Straight A's across the board, sir."

"And you have always been and always plan to be a gay?"

"Yes, sir. I am a comfortable homosexual male."

"Dad, really..."

"And you love my son?"

"Very much, sir" Blaine said, turning to face Kurt. He reached out under the table and grabbed Kurt's hand. "I love your son more than I have ever loved anyone before."

Burt let out a huge smile and clapped his hands together loudly. Carole rubbed his shoulders and beamed a bright smile at the two boys. Kurt was not too happy about the sudden interrogation, but it seemed Blaine had won them over. It was amazing how fast Blaine could go from being fragile and scared to a suave gentleman.

"Ok, now that we are done playing 'Law & Order: Blaine' can we order something?" Kurt sighed, still a little embarrassed.

Burt was forced to order a chicken salad by the combined force of Kurt and Carole and Carole ordered the same to be sympathetic to his woes ("But it's so...green!"). Kurt and Blaine both wanted the chicken penne, so they decided to split one. It was all very romantic, Kurt thought. He was also very hungry, so instantly he regretted choosing romance over a full portion.

"You both look so wonderful tonight. Ah, you are just too precious together" Carole gushed, clearly already in love with Blaine.

"Yea, and I gotta say Kurt, he looks more fancy than you do! What's with that?" Burt added.

"I told him to dress his best, thinking I would get from trucker to casual in the process. And I ended up with this, so go figure."

"Hey! I do not dress like a trucker" Blaine protested.

"But you are a very sexy trucker."

He had done it again, opened his mouth without thinking first. He looked over expecting his father to be shaking his head with an awful frown on his face. Instead, Burt was laughing with Carole. He always knew his father accepted him, but he never thought he would be this cool with him openly flirting with another guy.

After more questioning from Burt and some catch-up on Dalton life, their food finally arrived. Burt frowned at the very tiny pieces of chicken in his salad and Carole just rubbed his shoulders to try and comfort him. Kurt also frowned seeing how small his half of the portion of penne was. When the waitress put it in front of Blaine and said "Enjoy your meal" however, Kurt's heart really sank.

"She forgot we were sharing, didn't she. This is our actual meal..."

"It's ok, I'm not very hungry?" Blaine offered.

Kurt knew Blaine was lying instantly. Blaine obviously was getting his martyr on for Kurt's sake once more. It was sweet, but they both needed a good meal in them before the long ride back to Dalton. Kurt flagged down the waitress and asked for an order of the endless breadsticks. Within minutes she was back with a basket of them.

"Remember, they are legally required to keep bringing us these. Eat as much as your adorable little tummy requires, ok?" Kurt said. He wanted to make sure Blaine actually ate something.

"Ok, but don't complain when my cute little tummy becomes not so little."

"Get as fat as you like. Then I have more of you to love."

The room for silent for a moment as everyone continued to eat.

"So you love him then, Kurt? Like we are taking capital 'L' love here?" Burt asked in a serious tone.

Kurt already knew the answer. He had known it for some time now. Perhaps it was foolish as he did not actually know much about Blaine, especially his past, but something just told Kurt that it was ok to let himself love Blaine. Around most people he would guard himself, a reflex after McKinley, but around Blaine there was just no need.

"Yes. I really do love him" he said, staring at Blaine's eyes as he said the words.

"Ok. Good. Just know that I approve of Blaine. And I approve of you and Blaine together. You don't have to be a Science-type to see that you two guys belong together. I really could not care less what body parts this guy does or does not have, Kurt. You are happy and that is the only thing that matters...I love you, Kurt."

Out of nowhere, Kurt felt a tap on his knee. It took him a second, but he realized it was Blaine. It was the sign that he needed a breather. Without missing a beat, Kurt instantly reacted.

"Sorry, but this will only take a second. I just need to talk to Blaine in private."

Quickly, he grabbed Blaine's hand and they shuffled out of the booth and made a break for the front door. Kurt had no idea what was going on, but he was not going to just stand around. He had to get Blaine somewhere private – and fast. Once outside he dragged Blaine around the side of the building to the empty back lot. It was dark, but they were alone.

"Kurt, I-I'm sorry...I just could not...take it anymore..." Blaine said, gasping for breath.

Kurt felt himself wanting to cry but did not know why. He hated seeing Blaine like this. All he could picture was the horrible words on the pages of Blaine's diary and all of the pain that it held. He wanted to fix it all, but he knew there was no way he could. So he gave him a tight, teddy bear-like hug, thinking perhaps it would at least help a tiny bit.

"It's ok. You needed a breather, so take a breather. It's just us now. No one else. You and me."

"It's j-just...your parents, Kurt..."

Kurt felt a knot instantly form in his stomach. Did Blaine not like his Dad and Carole? He really didn't know what possible reason he could have for that. They had been perfect, apart from the questioning. In fact, it kind of surprised Kurt at how good his Dad was being about the whole boyfriend thing.

"...I'm not used to...that" Blaine continued. As he finished, he started to cry a little.

Kurt tried to remember if there was anything about Blaine's family in the diary. Perhaps all that pain...was not just from his school life. It was a thought that had never really crossed his mind. After all, he had a saint for a father and was lucky to have Carole now too.

"Blaine, shh, it's just me. Is this..." he paused, not sure if he was allowed to ask "...about your family?"

Slowly releasing himself from Kurt's tight hold, Blaine walked over to the curb and sat down. He looked so completely defeated that it was hard for Kurt to not cry as well. He figured this meant Blaine was ready to talk however, so he sat down beside him on the cold curb and started to rub his shoulders to try and get him to open up.

"Kurt, y-your parents are..." Blaine took a slow, deep breath "...great. They really are."

"But yours. They were not so great, were they?"

He smiled weakly at Kurt. It was a sad smile, but Kurt knew it meant something like _thank you for saying the hard part for me_.

"I came out to my mother about two years ago. She...well..."

"Didn't throw glitter in the air and bake you a rainbow cake?"

There was that weak smile again. But then Blaine got really quiet as he continued and no longer looked at Kurt as he spoke.

"She knew. For a long time before I did. But when I told her...she freaked out and yelled. Then quoted the bible and basically told me she would never accept that part of who I am."

Kurt was now crying lightly. He tried to wipe away the tears and stop the sniffling so Blaine would not know. It was all too much for him. He could not even begin to understand what life would be like if his Dad had done that to him. Even though Kurt didn't have a mother for most of his life, all he had ever known was unconditional love.

"My father was...worse. When my mother told him a couple nights later I could hear him screaming from my bedroom. He was so angry. The next day he told me I was never welcome home if I...I..."

Kurt could fill in the blank, but it was not one he wanted to be right about.

"...if you ever acted upon your feelings for another guy?"

This time Blaine did not look up. He just nodded and started to cry, more than Kurt had ever see him cry before. Blaine had acted upon those feelings – with Kurt. He instantly knew why it was so hard for Blaine to meet his parents. He had just lost his. Kurt knew what it felt like to lose a parent since his mother had passed away, but thought it was almost worse to be shunned by one.

"Since then, we just don't talk about it. I'm afraid what will happen if I even try to. Oh god...I'm s-so sorry Kurt...I'm ruining your dinner with my stupid lifetime made-for-tv movie story..."

"Ssh. No, don't say that. Even if you were played by Kirstie Alley, I would still watch that movie."

Blaine chucked faintly, but was still visibly crying. Kurt now felt horrible that he had dragged Blaine kicking and screaming to meet his parents. Like always, he seemed to be screwing things up with the man of his dreams one way or another. _Normally this is the part where Blaine sings to me and everything is magically better_, thought Kurt. Feeling around his pockets, he found the rough outline of his phone. It gave Kurt a very cheesy idea.

"Blaine, I need you to call my phone. Don't ask why."

"Wh-...oh, ok."

Once Blaine wiped away some tears all he had to do was press '1' on his speed-dial. After a few seconds of silence, Kurt's phone started to burst to life with the instrumental version of 'For Good' from Wicked. It was his custom ring-tone for Blaine. Setting it down on the curb between them, Kurt took Blaine's hands in his, faced the boy, and began to sing quietly to the music.

"_I've heard it said__...__that people come into our lives__...__for a reason__...__bringing something we must learn__, __and we are lead to those__who help us most to grow__, __if we let them...and we help them in return__. __Well I don't know if I believe that's true__. __But I know I'm who I am today__...__because I knew you."_

Blaine's face was tear-stained, but he had a huge smile plastered over it. It was that smile Kurt knew well, the one that could not be controlled, faked or planned. It was meant for Kurt and Kurt alone.

"_Like a comet pulled from orbit as it passes a sun__. __Like a stream that meets a boulder__, __halfway through the wood.__Who can say if I've been changed for the better...but, because I knew you__...__I have been changed for good_."

The phone audio cut out right after Kurt's final note. Kurt could now hear Blaine's audible sighs. It appeared as if his make-shift serenade had worked. Looking around, the cold, dark sidewalk behind Breadstix was not quite the romantic setting he had hoped for, but Blaine did not seem to mind.

"Kurt...you...you really have changed me. For good. I'm just so in l...l..." Blaine tried to say, but was still in shock.

"...lesbians with me, like Elphaba and Glinda?" Kurt offered, grinning widely.

Blaine laughed. It was not a weak laugh this time, and it warmed Kurt's heart to hear it.

"I will always be in lesbians with you. Like Elphaba and Glinda."

This time both boys went in for the kiss at the exact same time. It was short and sweet, but Kurt's favourite kiss so far. He was finally starting to learn more about Blaine, and the more he did the more he fell for the adorable yet very damaged boy.

"Ok, well we should really get back inside before my Dad starts to..."

"Too late, son" Burt blurted out, appearing from behind the corner of the building.

"Oh...oh, dear...I can't imagine what you are going through right now!" Carole said, also appearing from the corner and wiping away some stray tears from her face.

Kurt was not really surprised that they had been spying on him and assumed they had followed the boys out roughly half a second after they left. Burt was definitely a mamma bear at heart and never strayed too far from Kurt when able. He secretly hoped that the two adults had in fact heard everything. They were so good at making Kurt feel safe that perhaps some of that could rub off on Blaine as well.

"No parent should ever, EVER, do that to their child! Oh Blaine, honey...oh...I just feel awful..." Carole continued, running over to hug Blaine.

As she did, Blaine's eyes opened wide and he looked utterly shocked. Kurt worried that he was going to have another freak out like with the Hairspray DvD, but it only took a moment for Blaine to relax and accept the friendly hug.

"What those people did is wrong. I could just...it makes me so angry. Kurt, I have never been more proud of you before. I didn't know...you..." Burt got really quiet "...are just like your mother. She was always good with the words and the comforting. You really remind me of her, Kurt."

Kurt jumped up and hugged his father tight. Never before had he been so glad to have such an accepting father. Every time he thought of what Blaine had to go through, it reminded him of those horrible nights spent beside his father's hospital bed.

"C'mon. Group hug" Burt said, motioning over to Carole and Blaine to join in.

Carole helped Blaine up and they walked over, all four of them joining together in the dark. Kurt wanted to let Blaine know that this hug was not a onetime deal – that he could have this whenever he wanted. A few words instantly popped into his brain. They were perfect.

"No...Family hug."

Blaine was still crying into Carole's shoulder, but these seemed to be good tears. Family was something Kurt always held up as sacred, and he wanted nothing more than for Blaine to be a part of that family. It was important that he know this was he was now a part of it. Blaine was not just getting a boyfriend out of this deal, it came with Burt and Carole as well.

"Do...do you think we could have a dinner every week?" Blaine said very softly to Kurt from inside the big hug.

"It's a date" Kurt whispered back.

**A/N: Ending here because it is already over 6,000 words. Anyways! Did you enjoy this chapter? I sure did. Let me know what you think in a review (or tumblr message). I updated my profile so you can read a tiny bit about me and see what fic I am currently reading. Next chapter should be super duper angst heavy so expect it to take a while to write. Until then, thank you for reading/reviewing!**


	7. How Shall I See You Through My Tears

**A/N: Ok; over 50 reviews on only 6 chapters? Wow. Thank you so much to everyone who had been so supportive of this fic. Honestly, I am just so blown away by the kind words people are saying about the past few chapters. Just going to say this now, even thought I doubt I have to, but if you recommend this fic anywhere or draw any art of this fic PLEASE let me know so I can gush. Hehe.**

**A/N: Like I said, this chapter was going to take me a long time to write and it did. It was very hard and I deleted and re-wrote a lot of it. In the end however I am happy with what I have here. This should be one of the most angst heavy chapters and please *DO NOT READ IF* you are set off by self-harm or suicidal thoughts as both occur in one way or another here. Just going to put that out there now.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Glee or any of the characters in Glee. Sadly**

_How Shall I see you through my tears (Please tell me)__  
__How Shall I see you through my tears (I need to Know)__  
__How Shall I see you through my tears (Yeaah) _

_I've been waiting for a sign__  
__To ease my troubled mind_

Blaine quietly closed the front door to his house, careful not to make too much noise, and quickly walked off towards school. It had been almost a month now since the day his mother had confronted him and life was starting to go back to normal; or at least what Blaine thought passed for normal. A few adjustments were needed, such as trying to sneak out the door without any of the painful banter, but not a lot had really changed. But, at the same time everything had changed. All the denial in the world could not erase the three words Blaine had spoken.

"Zero days left. This is it. My stage debut. Hairspray" Blaine repeated to himself a few times as he walked.

It was a bright Saturday afternoon and full of hope as Blaine walked towards school, not bothering to count his steps as he did. Today he didn't need to. He welcomed the school and could not wait to meet up with Mrs. Tebbit and the rest of the cast for one final dress rehearsal before the big debut he had been counting towards.

Music had become Blaine's escape. He relished any chance he got to sing; especially on a stage. It was a time he could become someone else; an opportunity to let his emotions show like shining light through a stain-glass window. He had been hiding in the dark for far too long and at last he had a way to step out into the daylight.

As Blaine walked up to the school, he noticed how different it seemed on a Saturday. Without the sea of people blocking his view, it all seemed quite innocent. He imagined that it was brighter, too, like somehow it had been painted a shade or two lighter since yesterday. Even the familiar words of 'Oak Ridge High School' that normally seemed so black and un-inviting looked as if they welcomed him with open arms. For the first time in the past month, Blaine started to remember what happy felt like as he walked through the school doors and headed towards the gym.

"And again! One, two, three, one, two, three...-Aha, Laura your dancing is fresh as a moonbeam in May!" laughed Mrs. Tebbit in the distance.

Blaine felt a small grin on his face as he got to the gym door. He had to touch his face to make sure it was there. These emotions were all so unfamiliar to him since he had come out. There was not much to smile about since then.

"Blaine! Our dazzling star has returned to us. Quick, quick! We are practicing the grand finale! Grab your Tracie and spin her!" she said, waving her hands high above her head.

As he looked around the room, Blaine's grin turned into a full smile. Surrounded by this group of people, all singing and dancing, he felt it was the closest thing he had to a home. It gave him a vague sense of hope. And hope was not something he had a lot of.

* * *

Several hours later the gymnasium had been transformed into 1960's Baltimore. Various posters and props filled the room, all hand-made by the cast to give it a more 60's feel. Plastic chairs created the rows for the audience and the normally hidden stage was open and bursting with color. Everything was set for the big debut.

With a nod from Mrs. Tebbit, one of the girls opened the gym doors. A swarm of people, mostly adults, made their way inside and filed into the rows of plastic chairs. Until Blaine actually saw the people sitting in the chairs it did not hit him that anyone would actually come to the show. Not only were people attending, it was almost sold out. The only seats Blaine could still see empty were two on the far right of the front row.

"Oh, Blaine dear, who are those two charming people waving at you from the back?" Mrs. Tebbit chimed, tearing Blaine's attention off the overwhelming mass of people.

The Saturday that had started off so bright instantly darkened. It was his parents. Sure enough, they made their way to the front and sat in the two empty seats Blaine had spotted. He had not even told his parents about the musical until recently, and even then he tried to downplay it as strongly as possible in hopes they would not come.

"Ah. I see. So these are foe – not friend?" Mrs Tebbit chuckled. Blaine's face said all too well what he was thinking. "Stage fright is a disease that plagues even the greatest actors of the grand stage, my boy. If you are worried about the audience, or a specific part of the audience, I find the best cure is to picture everyone as a very common piece of fruit."

Blaine instantly jerked his head to face Mrs. Tebbit. His eyebrow was raised as high as it could go and he was glaring at her. This was an odd thing to say – even for her. He seriously doubted picturing his dad as fruit would help, seeing as that was exactly what his father saw him as.

"Perhaps an apple? Or maybe an orange? I would have to draw the line at Banana..." thought Mrs. Tebbit out loud as she ran her fingers down her face.

"Mrs. Tebbit...I'm...scared..." Blaine admitted while staring at his feet.

As he looked up, she was staring down at him and smiling. The look in her eyes however was a sad one. She always seemed to understand the boy, almost like she felt what he felt. Just that look, the one that screamed "You're not alone", was enough to take at least part of the fear away.

"We still have a couple minutes to spare, I suppose. Yes, yes I think we do. Let's try and fight these fears, shall we? To begin with, what are they?"

"Well..." Blaine started to say, looking back out at the daunting audience "I guess I am afraid of...change."

It was quite a vague, but he knew that she would understand. The second he stepped out onto the stage everything would change. The only thing he didn't know was what the change would be. Even though he would be fully clothed, it would be one of the most naked moments in his life; in front of the school, in front of his parents, and in front of himself.

"The hands of time are cruel and unrelenting. No matter what, they always find a way to change that witch you try so hard to preserve. Change is an inevitable truth we must face, my dear. Scary? Yes, but trying to swim against the flow of change is impossible. The only way is forward. So we do just that. We swim forward."

"But - what if I'm not ready for the change, Mrs. Tebbit? It's hard enough as things are...if I do this...I..."

"A part of you is trapped out on that stage dear" interrupted the chatty teacher. "I've seen it and I think you have too. It's what you were meant to do. Nothing else is going to fill you with that same energy. Don't worry. Everything will be most excellent! I promise."

It was all he needed to hear. Her promise felt sincere and true. A warm sense of comfort like a thick blanket swept over him and his nerves started to calm. As scared as he was, performing felt right. He knew that now for sure. He was ready. The time for turning back had passed.

After a few deep breaths and some pacing back and forth, the curtains finally were drawn shut and quiet music started to play. Mrs. Tebbit had stepped out to address the audience as Laura took her place on the far part of the stage. A small bedroom like area was set up for the first number. Blaine was thankful his character did not come in quite yet, but the waiting was quite painful.

"Welcome theatre-goers! Thank you for joining us on this wonderful night to take part in this experience with us. Let us all travel back in time to a different time. A time marked by racial separation. The setting is 1962, Baltimore. Our heroine is Tracy Turnblad, and this is her story..."

As Mrs. Tebbit finished her introduction, the curtains slowly opened and the music got louder as the now very familiar tune of "Good Morning Baltimore" played. Blaine felt the small knot in his stomach, which had been present for over an hour, grow larger. With the first note of the first song, it had all become so much more real.

* * *

A few songs later everything was still going just as rehearsed. Blaine had already been on stage and sung with the others in "The Nicest Kids in Town" but it was almost time for him to sing his solo, "It Takes Two". It was Blaine's favourite number and he had practiced weeks to get it perfect.

Finally, the scene before his had finished and the curtains shut for a quick prop change. He walked out into the middle of the stage and took his place. As he did, all the fear and nerves shed like a layer of skin and all he was left with was just what he had practiced all those weeks: raw emotion. It was what made him such a beautiful singer and performer. Everyone in drama had seen it and now it was time to show the entire school; especially his parents.

The curtains slowly opened and the music came on. Like he was on auto-pilot, Blaine started to sing out to the large audience as if he was the only one in the room. No one else mattered; it was just him, the stage and the song. He poured ever last piece of himself into the song and slowly the girls came on stage and started dancing their part of the scene.

_This is not at all bad,_ Blaine thought, _actually it feels kind of amazing._

He resisted the urge to look directly at his parents. In his mind he had some ideas of what their faces might look like, but he didn't want to be right. His father had not been pleased when he found out about the musical and something told Blaine it had taken his mother a lot of convincing to even get him to show up. His father's awful words still kept repeating themselves in the back of Blaine's mind like a broken record that refused to stop playing the same note.

"Musical? MUSICAL! ...Mary, how long have you known about this? Why didn't you tell me?"

"D-dear, calm down. I only found out about this a few days ago..."

"And YOU!" his father had shouted, turning to Blaine. "Did you just wake up one day and decide to become some radical homosexual deviant? Should I expect to find you holding orgies in the basement next?"

"Mark! I-I don't think..."

"Shut up, Mary. You knew about this. You knew about all of this! And you just let it happen. Well I am not going to stand around and raise a bleeding liberal son who pushes the homosexual agenda in my face. This conversation is over and Blaine will not be performing in any..." he spit on the ground "...faggy musical."

It had taken much convincing on the part of his mother, but Blaine was allowed to perform in the musical once it had been explained to his father that the musical did not deal with any gay issues. May other comments had been made about the musical later on, but thankfully the roof between Blaine and his parents muffled some of that.

While he was singing, all those memories and words just simply faded into the darkness of his mind. He could be himself and there was nothing his father could do. Ironically, the only way Blaine knew how to be himself was to take on the part of Link, a suave, heterosexual, and very popular boy. It was not exactly the spitting image of Blaine, but the stage let him express things he never got to otherwise. It that was enough for him.

_They say it takes two to tango__  
__Well, that tango's child's play__  
__So take me to the dance floor__  
__And we'll twist the night away_

About half way into his song, the doors to the gymnasium burst open like someone had let off a loud firecracker. Everyone turned their gaze from Blaine to the doors at the back of the room. In marched a group of about fifteen people, a few of them were fellow students but the rest Blaine had never seen before, all of them carrying large signs. Blaine just kept singing and kept his focus off the back of the room. Nothing was going to distract him from singing. Well, almost nothing.

The group of people slowly filed down the aisles and headed towards the stage. People had begun to whisper loudly and it became much harder for Blaine to focus on his song. The intruders with their signs had now formed a line between the audience and Blaine. Sweat was forming on his back and he started to panic.

The intruders nodded at each other and in one uniform move they all held their signs up and blocked the view of the stage. _This is not going to end well_, Blaine thought to himself.

"STOP THE HOMOSEXUAL AGENDA! FREE THE SCHOOL FROM THE GRIP OF RADICAL HOMOSEXUAL INFLUENCE!" screamed one of the older women. She was carrying a sign that read '_They_ are thinking about the children – a bit too much!'

Everyone on the stage, including Blaine, had stopped. All eyes were turned to the protesters. He could not figure out why they were protesting though. The horrible thought crossed his mind _what if they are doing this because of me _but quickly he was given an answer.

"Your daughters are being forced to dress up as men and pursue other women in a deviant, sexual way! STOP THE LESBIAN DRAMA TEAM FROM CORRUPTING OUR YOUTH!" screamed another protester.

Mrs. Tebbit. This was all about Mrs. Tebbit. The thought that some of the girls had to play guys parts had never crossed Blaine's mind as being "deviant" but clearly word had gotten out. Looking around, all the other girls on stage seemed just as confused as he did. The girls who were paying guy's parts started to exit the stage as one of the protesters pointed at them and screamed something about "abomination".

"STOP THE MUSICAL! STOP THE CORRUPTION!" screamed one of the boys Blaine recognized from class.

Looking down at the audience, Blaine saw his father get up. Panic set in and Blaine froze as he watched him walk towards the protesters. He half expected his father to join in, perhaps even have his own sign prepared for the occasion, but instead his father just chatted with one of the older men. After talking to the man, Blaine caught a glance from his dad that was full of anger. Obviously he was not happy about the situation. _What if...he kicks me out of the house?_

Blaine ran off the stage and franticly searched for Mrs. Tebbit. _She promised. She said everything was going to be ok. _All he wanted was to hear her voice and see her smile. Something, anything, to help numb the fear and panic that was causing him to sweat and shake all over. This was supposed to be the thing that made him feel good about himself and now all he felt was worthless, defeated and un-loved. He could only imagine how furious his parents would be when he saw him.

"Mrs. Tebbit? Where are you!" screamed Blaine as he ran down the empty hall towards her office.

As he passed a window, he saw a dark figure in a dress walking towards the parking lot. It looked an awful lot like Mrs. Tebbit, so he ran towards the front doors to go find out. _I need to find her. I need her to fix everything._

He swung the big door open and stopped to catch his breath. He had been running all over the school franticly looking for the illusive woman. It was the first time that he had needed her that she had not magically appeared. It felt strange to not have her at his side with a tissue and a kind word.

"MRS. TEBBIT!" he screamed.

Off in the distance the shadowy figure was climbing into the small black car that belonged to Mrs. Tebbit. _So it is her. Why is she leaving?_ Blaine ran as fast as his small legs would go to catch her. _Why is she not responding to me? Where is she going!_ It was useless. The car skidded for a second and then sped away with enormous speed.

As it did, a large piece of paper flew out of its window and slowly floated through the air. Blaine walked over to the paper, catching his breath again as he did, and picked it up. A look of sheer horror crossed his face as he read the paper. It read, in bright yellow letters, "Come near the school again and die". Under the letters was an old picture of Mrs. Tebbit and a woman he recognized as Susan from the locket. They were kissing. Blaine knew right then that she was not coming back – ever.

* * *

Blaine found himself sitting on the edge of the stage and looking out into the now empty sea of chairs. The play had been called off by the principal once he was informed of what had happened. His fellow cast mates had all left and the only noise to be heard now what that of the janitor in the distance. He knew that it was probably time for him to leave as well, but that meant facing his parents. It was something he was not prepared to do just yet.

_Today was supposed to be good. Today was supposed to be my day. Everything is just happening...too fast..._

The stage no longer felt comfortable or safe. Now it just felt cold and dead. Without Mrs. Tebbit to sit beside him and tell him everything was going to be ok, Blaine was starting to unravel again. He was retreating back to that place beyond sadness, anger and all emotion. It was a place only characterized by darkness.

The more he let himself fade into this darkness the less he felt like going home. He could vividly picture his father yelling and his mother crying the second he would walk through the door. That mask he had hide behind for all those years was useless now. Nothing could ever be hidden again. It was just easier to shut them out of his life. The only way to numb pain was the replace all the love he had for them with hate. He had to. It was the only way to survive.

_My parents are gone. Mrs. Tebbit is gone. The musical is gone. I have no friends. No one...no one loves me. I don't even love myself. What is the point...why am I fucking trying..._

Some feeling was returning, some kind of emotion, but it was only a brief flash of anger. Blaine was angry at almost everything these days and it took very little to set him off. It was always just a brief moment though. He would smash something, yell into a pillow, or sometimes jab his leg or arm with something sharp. Nothing seemed fair in his life and it was the only way he could release all the anger.

This time Blaine had nothing to smash, nothing to yell into and nothing sharp. All he could do was kick the stage with his foot. He started slow, but it felt good. The release was letting him breathe at least. So he started to kick faster and kick harder. He let out a loud scream, figuring no one would hear him anyways, as he did. The anger passed and he retreated back to the darkness.

_None of it even matters anymore. I have no future. No fucking reason to count. Everything is just so pointless._

As Blaine sat, motionless, on the edge of the stage, he heard footsteps behind him. They stopped and a shrill voice spoke up from directly behind him.

"You are Blaine, correct? Humph. I don't know why you are still here. In case you didn't hear, the disgusting musical that...dyke...was trying to put on is officially cancelled. I don't think she is coming back anytime soon, either" laughed the voice.

Blaine turned around. The voice belonged to a short brunette boy, around Blaine's age, that he had seen around the school but never had class with before. He looked very smug and was glaring at Blaine with a look of superiority.

"I've heard the rumours about you. Boy, are there a lot of them. But I know the truth. I've seen you hanging around with that woman they let teach here. I know what her kind do. She recruited you to her deviant lifestyle. But now...well, she won't get a chance to do that anymore."

The anger was returning and Blaine's right hand curled into a familiar fist. Mrs. Tebbit was the only one who had ever shown him an ounce of kindness. She was the only way he made it through the school weeks. That tiny bit of hope she gave him was the closest thing he had to a reason to keep living. And now it was gone and this boy knew something about it.

"What did you do? Did you write that note! Who do you think you are, threatening her life!" Blaine said, finally getting up from the stage and standing face to face with the boy.

He just chuckled. "Whatever she gets, she had coming. This is Ohio, not Canada. We still have some ounce of family value left here. It's a...disgrace...what her kind do. That is not why God created us. It is wrong."

The boy reached into his pocket and pulled out a small pamphlet, handing it to Blaine. It read 'Calvary Cross Church' and had a picture of a big cross on the front.

"My name is Sean. What you are becoming is not natural. It's not right. Only God can fix you now. So if you decide to want to change, come to church. Service is held every Sunday at 10 am and everyone is welcome. Even you."

Without waiting for a response, Sean walked off the stage and out the doors.

Blaine instantly ripped the paper in half and threw it on the ground._ If God could fix me, he would of already. _But what Sean had said had seeped into Blaine's skin. It consumed every part of him and left the boy feeing ugly and sick. Mrs. Tebbit had not "recruited" him. The feelings had been there long before she had. _Maybe that is why God does not fix me? Maybe I have always been doomed...always been this sick, wrong gay pervert. _There was no hope left from the once bright morning. All he felt now was the darkness.

In one last attempt to find some comfort, Blaine ran over to Mrs. Tebbit's office. He wanted to find something there to remind him of her smile. _Perhaps if I could just see that smile once more. _Everyone, even the janitor, had now left. Along the way he stopped at his locker to get out his diary. He had brought it to school thinking he could, finally, document something positive after his first performance. Running his fingers down the locker door he remembered the day Mrs. Tebbit had helped him scrub it clean of the awful words. It just reminded him how alone he was now. Running on her office, he found the door to office was unlocked. He walked in and shut it behind him.

"Why is she gone. Why did she leave me" he muttered to himself.

It was a small office and most of the space was cluttered with books. No pictures hung on the walls or sat on the small desk however. It was almost hard to tell who the office had even belonged to. Blaine tore open every desk drawer and franticly searched for something, anything, to remind him of her. Nothing could be found.

Blaine collapsed onto the floor next to her desk and started to cry. _She is really gone. I am really alone. _Everything hit him at once like a truck and he almost stopped breathing all together as he gasped deeply for air and looked around the room in an emotional haze. He continued this way for almost twenty minutes, just rocking back and forth on the ground and thrashing his head back and forth in a blur of tears and sobs.

Finally, he calmed down. He got up, sat in her chair, and got out his diary. The tears were gone and the darkness was back. Again, he had forgotten how to feel. It all just felt completely hopeless now as he started to write on a fresh page of his black diary.

_Dear Diary,_

_Today will be the last time I write in you._

_It's never getting better. I know that now. I thought I could find my reason for living in time, but I didn't. It's never getting better. Today will be the last day I count. I have reached the end. I don't want these feelings a single day longer. It was the first performance of Hairspray today. Mrs. Tebbit told me it was going to be fine. She told me everything would be "most excellent" with that deceiving smile of hers. And then she left me. I can't believe one performance could go so horribly, horribly wrong. The worst part is that my parents were here for the whole thing. I can't face them now. I can never look my mother in the eyes again and I doubt my father will ever look at me again. There is no point in trying anymore. My parents would be better off without me. God wants me dead, Sean made that very clear. I don't have any friends who would even care if they never saw me again. And now Mrs. Tebbit is gone. I can't keep waking up in the morning. Not to this. Not anymore. I am done. Today will be the last time I write in you...because today will be my last day alive._

Blaine lifted the pen off the paper and just starred at it. What he had just written was still sinking in. He had meant every word of it though. He could not find a single reason to keep on counting when he finally knew what he was counting towards: death. It was the only way to escape everything.

Looking around the room, Blaine contemplated how he would do it. The first thing that caught his attention was the phone cord connecting the small purple phone on the desk to the wall._ I could strangle myself or hang myself. Perhaps I could make it into a noose and hang myself in the gym. No one would find me until Monday..._

Then he saw a very sharp looking letter opener next to the phone. It was shaped like a small sword and was bright, sparkling silver. He picked it up and pricked his palm with it. _This would work too. I could just slit my wrists open and bleed. That is how a lot of people go. Maybe if I crawl into the showers and just...cut..._

He let his mind ponder as he scanned the room for more options. An idea came to mind as he glanced up at the roof above him. He was on the first floor now, but he knew the school was quite tall._ I could just jump. That is the easiest way. One foot in front of the other and everything will just be over. I can finally just...stop..._

A noise from the window caused him to look outside. The window looked out onto the nearby street and a loud car had just driven past well over the speed limit, a very common thing on the normally quiet side street. _That would work just as well. I could step out in front of a moving car. It would have to be going fast enough, but I it would all be over..._

Finally, he picked up the sharp letter opener again. It felt right as he ran his fingers down the sharp blade. To make sure it would piece skin easily enough, he cut a wide slit in the middle of his palm. The pain was lost on him in this state and the oozing red liquid did not bother him in the slightest. It was escape.

As he pushed back the chair to get up, a stack of books behind him was knocked over. A small note was now peeking out from inside a copy of the novel Mrs. Dalloway that had fallen to the ground. Slightly curious, Blaine picked it up to see what it was. It was very old looking and un-opened. On the front was "To Susan" in neat handwriting. Using the letter opener in his hand, he cut it open with one clean slice and took out its contents. Unfolding the small piece of paper, he started to read, his curiosity building.

_Dear Susan,_

_Today is my first day on this grand earth without you. I know I should not be sad and that you would be very cross at me for being sad, but I can't help but miss you. We had so many beautiful years together, Susan. Those memories will never die, I know that. Perhaps I am just a foolish woman who thought that we would never be parted. Oh Susan, I can almost still feel your soft laugh. I know you would be laughing at me now; you thought me a very silly person. And please know I don't blame you. I love you too much for that, Susan. I am not angry that you left me. One of us had to die first. You always said I was the stronger one, Susan. But that was only because I had you. I know what you would be saying right now, dear. I do still have you as you can never leave me. So I will have to be strong now – for you, love. For both of us. Though sometimes I think I will never stop crying. Yesterday I even thought, just for a moment, about joining you. Don't be angry with me, Susan. It was just a single fleeting moment. But the thought of not being with you was so overwhelming and I just wanted to join you once more. Don't worry though, love. I will live on. For you; for us. One day, hopefully many long years from now, I will re-join you. Until then, I will wear your picture in my locket. You will always be near my heart, love. Because that is the one part of me that does not belong to me. It never has. My heart is yours – eternally._

_Love,_

_Your Michelle._

Blaine's hand slowly loosened its grip on the letter opener and it fell to the floor. A single tear was rolling down his cheek as he still grasped the letter in his hand. He couldn't just give up like that; not anymore.

**A/N: Ok that was really hard to write. I had to draw on a lot of feelings I would rather not feel again. But I do it anyways, because someone has to. Stories like this are important. ANYWAYS – reviews make me sleep better at night and get my creative juice flowing so please keep them coming. Don't be afraid to review again if you already have! But I love you all, even the people reading without a account. Big internet hug! Thank you all for sticking with me and SO SORRY about the big gap between updates! Next chapter is planned for this weekend but may take longer. School and all. It will be VERY fun and full of song!**


	8. Not While I'm Around

**A/N: I have reached over 10,000 hits on this fic. Just thinking about how many that is makes me all dizzy. I never thought I would write more than four chapters of this, let alone get actual reviews or views, and now I am on chapter 8. So again, thank you all. Writing is all I want to do in life – even if I am not the best or even close to the best. I just really want to write.**

**A/N: As always, my idea of "fluff" is just angst with hugging. So enjoy the hugging cause it is not exactly all rainbows and sunshine in this chapter. However, I very much enjoyed writing this little section of my fic. If you are wondering about the two songs I will post them in the END A/N so I don't spoil what the songs are. I recommend listening to the second one as you read!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Glee or any of the characters in Glee. Sadly.**

_Nothing's gonna harm you, not while I'm around.__  
__Nothing's gonna harm you, no sir, not while I'm around._

_Demons are prowling everywhere, nowadays,__  
__I'll send 'em howling,__  
__I don't care, I got ways._

_No one's gonna hurt you,__  
__No one's gonna dare.__  
__Others can desert you,__  
__Not to worry, whistle, I'll be there._

Winter break had gone by much faster than Kurt had remembered from previous years. He was back in Lima, but it seemed like he saw more of Blaine there than he did at school. Most days of the week Blaine drove down in the afternoon, hung around with Kurt for a few hours, and then had dinner with Burt, Carole and sometimes Finn before driving back home. It was a routine Kurt could feel himself getting used to.

But soon enough the break was over and it was back to Dalton. It was a tearful goodbye the day he left and Kurt wasn't sure if Carole was going to let go of him as they hugged one last time. Blaine, of course, had offered to drive Kurt and all his things back to school. As they drove off, Kurt could not help but feel awfully sad that he had to leave it all behind. Having his boyfriend on campus instead of a long drive away was nearly the only comfort he could think of.

'Boyfriend'. The word still felt new and strange. He was not even sure of it in his own mind, much less when he said it out loud. Still, the bond he and Blaine shared was very evident. It seemed like they professed their love for each other quite openly and often, both in song and word. Only when they were forced to label things did it get tricky.

"You know, I still haven't told Wes and David that we are...er, official" Blaine spoke up as they were about half way back to Dalton.

"Blaine..." Kurt started to say, seizing the moment "have we even told ourselves yet? I mean, we don't really talk about what we are..."

"I'm in love with you. A lot; like shouting from the rooftops like a crazy person a lot. You love me. For what reason? I don't know, but apparently you do. So we are boyfriends, dating, together, in a relationship, all that jazz."

"Oh...ok, well that was easy..."

"Well honestly, it's been months of senseless flirting back and forth and weeks since we said the 'l' word. I think we can stop all this nonsense and accept the fact we are two idiots in love and call it what it is, right?"

"Can we tell Wes and David by making out in their room as they are about to walk in then?"

"Mm. I like that idea. We better practice first though. I'm not quite sure I'm ready yet..."

"You're ready" Kurt burst out instantly. "...but, practice sounds good anyway."

* * *

Kurt and Blaine had broken into the room Wes and David shared down the hall from Blaine, Kurt using his expect breaking-and-entering skills that Blaine knew all too well now. The two residents of the room were due back from holiday any moment now according to the reply to Blaine's text message. It was not the most elaborate plan but it was as good an excuse as any to make out.

"I think I hear them coming!" Blaine snickered as he took a tiny case of mints out of his jacket pocket and popped a few in his mouth.

"You just carry around a tin of mints in your pocket? Wow, Blaine..." Kurt said while shaking his head.

"Perhaps I should just eat an onion next time? Wash it down with coffee and garlic?"

"Oh shut up, you are just so cute. Like a tiny Gene Kelly or..."

But Kurt did not have time to finish. Blaine had pushed Kurt backwards onto the bed and plunged into a deep kiss as the door behind them opened. It didn't take Kurt any time at all, quite used to surprise attack kissing by this point, to get into it. Their lips smacked away as they rolled around the bed and quite ferociously poured kisses all over each other

"Hey Blaine, hey Kurt" The two boys said in unison, quite dryly. They tossed their bags on the ground, picked up the TV remote, and started flipping through channels.

Blaine had lifted his head from Kurt's mouth and was staring at them with a great look of confusion. Kurt too looked up with the same look on his face. He was positive they would at least get some kind of a reaction out of them. Looking back up at Blaine, they mouthed the word "what" to each other and crawled apart from each other to sit up on the bed.

"Don't let us stop you" said David without looking away from the TV.

"Oh! Oh! Stop David! You just passed Wipe-out, go back"

Kurt could not help but laugh a little. Blaine looked at him with cold eyes and a very highly raised eyebrow as to say "This is not funny". But to Kurt, it was. Wes and David had never been uncomfortable around Blaine, or Kurt, as far as he knew, but they had never been overly supportive either. It turned out that they just...didn't really care.

"Oh come on Blaine, it is a little bit funny!" Kurt protested as they walked down to hall to Blaine's room.

"I was expecting someone knocking over a vase or screaming or fainting or...or...something! They just sounded so...bleh about the whole thing."

"Don't think too much about it, Blaine. They just don't really care one way or the other I think. That's a good thing!"

"Well they could have at least clapped. We planned! We performed! I thought we were amazing..."

"Oh and you were" beamed Kurt, taking Blaine's hands and twirling around him. "I'm still feeling light-headed. You kiss like a giant, brooding, Canadian lumberjack."

"Oh? Well, Mr. Hummel, you pounce like some kind of savage African cat! I thought I was going to fall off the bed..."

Kurt had almost forgotten all about Lima and McKinley now. He still had his worries about Dalton and he didn't exactly like the strict rules and enforced dress code, but when he was with Blaine it didn't feel like he was at Dalton any longer. It was as if he was floating miles above the school and the world itself. It was just the two of them and no distractions at all.

He had visited Blaine's room many times before, but entering the once familiar space it seemed quite different now. It was the first time he had seen the room since that first family dinner he had dragged Blaine to at the start of winter break. He felt like the Blaine in front of him now was quite a different person. No, not exactly different...just more complete, as if pieces of the puzzle were slowing creating a whole picture. Everywhere he looked, things started to take on new meaning.

"Er, Blaine..." Kurt began to ask, stroking his finger down the worn spine of a Harry Potter novel. "Why does this book mean so much to you? I mean, it looks like this thing has been read more times than is humanly possible to in one's lifetime..."

Blaine walked over to Kurt and embraced him from behind. He rested his soft chin on Kurt's shoulder and peered over it at the book he was holding. It was strange, but Kurt thought he could feel Blaine smile.

"Ah. Harry Potter. You will find the whole set is like that. Have you read it before?" he said, gently planting a kiss on Kurt's neck.

"Well, I read them when I was little. And I've seen a bunch of the movies. But as much as it pains me to say, I am not...err, well versed, I guess."

"It's the loneliness, I suppose. I...I know what it feels like. The loneliness. Not having a mom or a dad or a place to call home. Not knowing when your life will begin, what your purpose is, or even who you are. It's all just so...familiar."

Kurt didn't know what any of that felt like; at least not like Blaine knew. He still felt guilty when he thought of how blessed he was to have his Father and Carole. And he always had a place to call home. Just from the hints he had been given from Blaine, the little glimpses into the past, he knew that Blaine never had that. Strangely enough, Kurt felt responsible. He knew he wasn't, but still, he felt it was his job to fix that; to fix everything.

He put the worn book back on the shelf and turned around to face Blaine, who to Kurt's relief was still smiling. It was one of those moments that you never forget. So simple, just the two of them looking at each other amongst the silence, but very powerful.

"I am lucky to have such a poetic boyfriend" Kurt said softly.

For the first time, the word felt right. It slipped off his tongue in a casual and very natural way. If they had been rushed to this point for any reason, it was clear to him now that things were finally starting to slow back down to normal. They were right then _officially_ official.

"Kurt...can I sing you something? I know you think I am good with words, but the truth is...well, I hide behind them. They are just another way to block people out. So I need to sing you this...I can't say it...ok?"

Kurt just nodded and bit his lip slightly. After the words "sing you something" he had slightly drifted off and didn't quite process the sadness in Blaine's words. Blaine and song was just too intoxicating to focus on anything else. He stepped away and sat on the bed, anxiously awaiting the song. If he had to pick one thing about Blaine he loved most, it was definitely his voice.

_I sing for you__  
__And only you__  
__Where ever I go I find you__  
__You're in the sound of every hello__  
__In everything I do__  
__You're the song I was destined to know__  
__And I only sing for you._

It was very stripped down. No instrumental playing over iPod speakers, no guitar, no dancing. It felt like for the first time Blaine was completely and utterly pouring out every last inch of his soul into the lyrics. Not once did he take his eyes off Kurt's.

_You went away__  
__I should have known__  
__You leave so many dreams behind you__  
__Thought I'd be fine just being alone__  
__I didn't have a clue__  
__But my heart had a mind of its own__  
__And would only sing for you_

_You're in the sound of rain__  
__Clouds in a winter sky__  
__In a thousand unsaid words__  
__In a thousand crazy reasons why__  
__You were meant to fly_

_So fly for me__  
__And day by day__  
__I'll keep hoping your heart reminds you__  
__Nothing but love can stand in our way__  
__But love can see us through_

Blaine paused, turned away from Kurt for the first time, and wiped his eyes with a part of his jacket. Looking back, Kurt noticed just how teary eyed he was getting. His voice began to quiver slightly as he started again and finished off the last few lines of the song.

_Maybe that's all I wanted to say__  
__I will always sing for you__  
__I will always sing for you_

When he had finished, Blaine collapsed onto the bed next to Kurt. He looked very weak, almost sickly. Kurt's heart was pounding fast as he started to pour the lyrics over in his mind again and again and really take in what they all meant. I will always sing for you. It was short, but hit him like a bullet. Blaine was not just in love with him; he was completely bound and attached to him as well. All Kurt could think of now was how alone Blaine had felt and how he must have poured over the pages of Harry Potter searching for a way out. It was his responsibility now to be the family, the love and the home that Blaine never had.

"Blaine, you trust me don't you?" Kurt asked, already knowing the answer in his mind.

Blaine looked up at Kurt, still pale and still weak looking. He just nodded and then curled up into Kurt's lap. Kurt could feel him letting out deep breaths into his chest. It felt like he had an adorable sick puppy to nurse, but he didn't mind at all.

"Ok. Well, I have an idea. Since tomorrow we are supposed to take the day to settle back into our dorms and such, I was thinking...we should skip and go to Lima. To my old school. I think I need to show you something, ok?"

He felt Blaine nod again into his lap.

* * *

Kurt had not really thought his plan though all that well, but something about Blaine's spontaneous and heartfelt song brought back vivid memories of Mr. Shue's various song assignments. Even though Kurt thought many were boring, dull and repetitive, they had sometimes helped a great deal when words alone could not express what you needed to. Only one part of his plan needed to be ironed out now and that would require a phone call.

"Hello Rachel, it's me Kurt. I need a favour."

"If this is about Finn then don-..."

"I need to express my deep and profound love to another in song."

"Kurt, why didn't you just open with that? Ok. I am in. What are we dealing with here? If you need my help then we must be talking something big...like Hello, Dolly! finale scene re-enactment big. But I've got to say Kurt, I don't know if I can find enough people familiar with that choreography on such short notice..."

"No, no. I have the song. I just need some advice on how to...well...tone it down a little?"

"Say no more. I understand perfectly. Where did you plan to sing?"

"Actually, McKinley. Tomorrow. That is the other thing because I kind of need you to secure me the auditorium – ALONE, Rachel. Got that? I swear to Barbra..."

"Kurt!" gasped Rachel. "There is no need to bring Barbra into this. I've got your back, ok? I promise. We are friends now and you can trust me. So what is your song and how do you want this to come across? I will whip up a few ideas and..."

The conversation went on for an extremely long time as Rachel had far too many ideas, many involving mirrors and accompaniment by flute. Eventually however, they both agreed on the perfect staging of Kurt's song. It was not his regular song choice or staging, but Kurt felt good about it. Knowing that he had Blaine's trust was enough to see the plan through. Kurt was convinced that if his plan worked, Blaine might finally begin to open up not only in song but it words as well.

* * *

"So you are positive this is what you want to do, Kurt? It's not too late. I would turn around now and drive us back. You know I would. Whatever you want, ok?"

"Blaine, relax. I want to do this. We are just going to sneak in and sneak out. It will be fine". He added "And I know you would. Thank you."

The drive back to Lima seemed to go by almost instantly to Kurt, who was very busy worrying if he was making a big mistake. It was quite scary knowing that Blaine trusted him so much and Kurt didn't know how the spontaneous trip back to his old high school would go for either of them. But he had made up his mind and this song was going to be sung. Period.

As he arrived at the parking lot, Rachel was already standing outside the entrance from the side of the building into the auditorium. She was crouched down like a tiny ninja and glancing around in a very paranoid fashion. It felt good to see Rachel, even if she was a bit strange.

"Quick! Get in before someone sees you!" she hissed as they approached.

Once they got closer, her expression changed. One look at Blaine and a tiny bit of her mouth hung open as a shocked, and slightly envious, look came over her face. Blaine was still dressed in his Dalton uniform, as was Kurt, but it was as if the uniform was made just for Blaine. It clung perfectly to his body and gave him the look of a suave leading man from one of the old MGM movies. From the very out-of-place silence coming from Rachel, Kurt could tell she approved greatly.

She closed the door behind them and they were once again alone in the big, empty auditorium. For such a small school, McKinley had a very impressive auditorium. Blaine scanned the room and looked quite amazed by how elegant it was. He had seen other parts of the school already but this one was definitely unique. Kurt left him admiring and headed for the stage where a large, pink CD player lay.

"You had your chance yesterday to show me just how you feel. And I heard you loud and clear. I guess I sometimes have a hard time with words too. My old Glee teacher really taught us how to communicate through song. This is the same stage I poured a lot of emotion on as I sang various songs about anger, sadness, strength and other emotions. It only felt right that I came back here to sing to you...about love."

With that, Kurt bent down and pressed the large button on the CD player. Thanks to Rachel, it already had the song he requested inside. The song began to fill the auditorium as Kurt's voice joined it.

_When you try your best but you don't succeed__  
__When you get what you want but not what you need__  
__When you feel so tired but you can't sleep__  
__Stuck in reverse_

_And the tears come streaming down your face__  
__When you lose something you can't replace__  
__When you love someone but it goes to waste__  
__Could it be worse?_

Kurt was sitting on the edge of the almost bare stage and just looking out at Blaine who sat near the middle of the auditorium. He looked shocked and seemed frozen in place. Still, Kurt just sang on. He poured emotion out of every syllable and was already on the verge of crying.

_Lights will guide you home__  
__And ignite your bones__  
__And I will try to fix you_

_And high up above or down below__  
__When you're too in love to let it go__  
__But if you never try you'll never know__  
__Just what you're worth_

_Lights will guide you home__  
__And ignite your bones__  
__And I will try to fix you_

He was now tearing up. Blaine however remained completely still. The emotion was getting stronger in every line and it was getting hard for Kurt to just sit on the stage. _Sorry Rachel, but I was never any good at the standing still thing._ He leapt off the stage in one bound and kept singing as he walked slowly towards Blaine.

_Tears stream down your face__  
__When you lose something you cannot replace__  
__Tears stream down your face__  
__And I_

_Tears stream down your face__  
__I promise you I will learn from my mistakes__  
__Tears stream down your face__  
__And I_

As he reached Blaine, Kurt noticed that he too had been crying. He looked scared, more scared than Kurt had ever seen him. The words made it clear just how much Kurt knew about the pain, sadness and tears he had shed in the past. That looked like it was quite the shock to the normally shielded and reserved boy. Now Kurt just had to drive home the final message. 

_Lights will guide you home__  
__And ignite your bones__  
__And I will try to fix you_

"You're home. Now that you have me" Kurt whispered softly as he finished the song.

The CD player cut out just as Kurt leapt over a seat and into Blaine's arms. The two of them sobbed softly as they hugged tightly. Kurt felt entirely drained from pouring so much of himself into the song and gripped Blaine with all the energy he had left.

"I want to fix it all, Blaine. I want so badly to just...fix...everything. It's not fair. None of it is fair. I have parents and a home and friends who have always accepted me and I've always known who I was and...it's...just...I want to fix everything for you. I want to give you the home you never had. I want to be your everything."

"And you are! You are my everything Kurt. I live and breathe and sing, all for you! But you can't fix it all. You have to stop trying to fix it all. Because none of it is your burden and none of it is your fault. All you have to do is...this...just being there. Kurt, I love you so much."

They shared a tender kiss as the sobbing began to fade. Now they just lay in the single seat embracing each other in silence. Both seemed to be very tired after the whole exchange and felt like they could just drift asleep right there. They were finally starting to communicate with pure, unfiltered honestly. The time for dodging questions and stammering around difficult topics seemed to be near its end.

* * *

"I'm just going to pop over to the bathroom" Kurt said smiling as they left the auditorium.

"Are you sure..."

"Oh don't worry, everyone else is in class. I'll be quick. I promise."

It had been such a perfect day so far and Kurt almost floated to the bathrooms. He felt like they were finally getting on the same page after months of questions and insecurities. Looking around the hall, he was reminded of all the now distant memories of his silly crush on Finn and how far off love seemed at the time. Now he had it and it was hard to imagine anything else.

On his way back outside from the bathroom, Kurt stopped outside the door of the Glee room. It was empty but the door was wide open. It was far too tempting not to take a peek. He had spent so many hours in that room with the first real friends he had ever made. It was sad to look around and have those memories flood back to him all at once, but he couldn't' help himself.

"You" snarled a horrible voice from behind Kurt.

It sent shivers down his spine and caused Kurt to stiffen like a plank almost instantly. It was a voice he would know anywhere: Dave Karofsky. Suddenly it was not the happy memories of his friends that were circling his mind. All the lockers he had been shoved into and threats that had been spit at him were hitting him all at once like a punch to the gut.

Turning around, he saw Karofsky standing a few feet away from him. He was wearing the same football jacket that he was wearing at their previous encounter. The look on his face was cold and blank but with a hint of anger. Kurt could almost feel the color fading from his skin as he slowly backed up into some chairs.

"It's not bad enough that you screw up my entire life, so you just had to come back to ruin it some more, eh? You sick..._freak_..."

Normally Kurt would have shot back a witty remark and held his ground. For a small and often flamboyantly dressed boy, Kurt was remarkably strong willed. Something about Karofsky seemed to penetrate that strong will however and changed him into a scared little boy. His voice trembled as he tried to talk back.

"I-I only came back for some Glee club business. I was just about to leave..."

"What, you're not going to stay for lunch?" Dave said with a chilling laugh.

"K-Karosky, if you don't leave me alone right now I...I will tell everyone what you really are!"

"I'm not!" he spat back. "You might be sick, but I'm not! You...you did that to me. And you once said I couldn't beat it out of you? Well, maybe I should test that theory."

Kurt watched as Karofsky dropped a small wedding figurine onto the ground and stepped on it. It had been the exact same one he took from Kurt his last week at McKinley. This has just the effect that was planned on Kurt who now looked completely horrified and about to collapse. It was all happening dreadfully fast as Karofsky slowly walked towards Kurt who was stumbling backwards into a group of chairs.

"Y-You need help, Dave. Y-You're just a scared...l-little boy..."

"Hah!" Karofsky laughed coldly. "I'm the scared little boy? You're nothing but a pathetic, sick, disgusting, waste of space that has ruined my life! Do you know how people treat me now? All because I 'scared' you away! That guidance councillor has me in every single day. Because of you. I've never loathed someone...wanted to...beat...someone...so...bad..."

"W-Wait! No! P-Please!" muttered Kurt, still backing up into the chairs.

In his state of panic, Kurt had finally tripped over a chair and fell backwards. _This is it_, he thought, _I'm going to die in my old Glee room because I was too stupid to just stay away._ Kurt closed his eyes and winced, waiting for something to happen. He had given up struggling and just let the fear take hold of him. But the lumbering footsteps stopped and the next thing he heard was a loud smack. Jolting up from the ground he opened his eyes and saw...Blaine! He was standing over Karofsky who was bent over and holding his face in pain.

"You don't TOUCH my boyfriend!" roared Blaine, his face bright red.

Karofsky looked up at Blaine and saw the deep anger in his eyes. It seemed to get the message through and Karofsky ran off, still hissing in pain. Blaine walked over to Kurt and held out a hand. Kurt was still in shock from what he had just seen and heard. The other Glee club members had stood up to Karofsky for him before, but never like this. Blaine had looked ready to kill and, for Kurt, probably would have. _Perhaps Mercedes was right. Sometimes I guess I do still need my Prince Charming._

"How did...you...but..." Kurt started to say, still in a state of shock.

"I said to myself that if you were not back in five I was going to hunt you down. I got worried after four and set off to find you." Blaine said, slightly blushing. "Are you ok, Kurt? Did he hurt you?"

"I think he was going to. If you had not shown up...I...I think he might have actually...oh Blaine, t-thank you so much" Kurt said, lunging into the safety of Blaine's arms. "Next time, please come find me after three."

"How about two?" Blaine offered, embracing Kurt tightly.

Still shaking, Kurt slowly walked back outside to Blaine's car. Earlier that day he wanted nothing more than to be back in Lima and at McKinley. Now, Dalton seemed like paradise. He was willing to wear a paper bag and do tenfold the amount of homework as long as he never had to see Karofsky again.

"B-Blaine?"

"...yea?"

"No more trips back to Lima for a long time. I promise."

**A/N: The two songs are "I Sing For You" from CAMP (a beautiful little movie musical) and "Fix You" by Coldplay. I just gush over how perfect I think each song is for Blaine and Kurt. Anyways – next chapter will not be up any time soon. Sorry! I need to actually think of what the hell I will do now that I am post-Hairspray in Blaine's past. I won't lie, I make this shit up as I go. So please review! Honestly, nothing helps me write more than reviews. Reading other peoples comments on my work gets my creative juice flowing and shows me what I am doing right/wrong. So PLEASE REVIEW~ if you are on . Otherwise I am just touched you take the time to read, so thank you.**


	9. Where Do I Go?

**A/N: If anyone knows of other places to post links to my fic, let me know. As it is I only post this to and the kurt_blaine LJ community (awesome comm BTW~). Someone told me I should link it in more places but to be honest I don't know any *shrug*. So yea! Let me know? Once again: Thank you for all the support!**

**A/N: So I don't know if any of you have picked up on this, but throughout this fic I have been trying a few different styles. Since this is my first *real* fic I wanted to experiment with different styles and lengths and POVs and structures and such. This chapter is very short and very stream-of-consciousness so let me know what you think! I wanted something short to bridge this chapter with the much longer and plot-driven Chapter 11 that will sort out Blaine getting to Dalton. I also felt I needed to address Blaine's thoughts after what he tried to do in his last chapter. I apologise in advance if this chapter does not read well or seems very different from the rest! **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Glee or any of the characters in Glee. Sadly**_._

_Where do I go__  
__Follow my heartbeat__  
__Where do I go__  
__Follow my hand_

_Where will they lead me__  
__And will I ever__  
__Discover why I live and die_

In the distance a giant clock tower could be heard chiming. After it played a short melody it rang six times; one for each hour.

"It's six pm...already..." Blaine muttered to himself mindlessly.

He flexed his hand, curling each finger up and clenching and unclenching a tight fist over and over again. The feeling of the sharp letter opener that he had gripped in his hand only a short hour ago still remained. No matter what he tried it still felt like he was holding it - like it was glued in place. His mind was not much calmer; the visions of telephone chords and cars flashing by like a horrifying slide show. It all felt very suffocating.

One thing was certain: Blaine was not ready to talk to his parents. So he found himself wandering around the still busting city. It was getting dark and things were starting to quiet down, but people still dashed here and there and the sound of cars was always present. The streetlights buzzed and all at once flashed on. As if it was a warning to the hordes of people, the streets emptied and cars became scarcer.

After another 15 minutes of walking Blaine was getting near the heart of the city. Up ahead was a small park. It was an odd place, surrounded by giant walls of brick and cement formed by the many buildings, but even from a distance it looked and felt inviting. He had not known why he had kept walking or what he was walking to, but the tiny patch of green trees seemed to be calling him from a distance.

As Blaine got close, the park was just across the street now, his phone buzzed in his pocket.

_Where are you? – Mom_

Without thinking, he hit the delete button and shoved it back into his pocket. All he wanted at the moment was to be alone and to think. The day's events had taken such a toll on him and the fear of what he had been about to do still lingered. Blaine was a smart boy and he knew things were bad. Something had to change and it had to change now. Some quiet thinking in the park seemed like a good idea to figure things out.

The park was even smaller than it had looked from a distance. All that it contained was a dozen or so trees and one tiny bench in the middle. Blaine's eyes were instantly drawn to that bench. It was jet black, even more so in the dark, and was made of metal that looked very cold. The design was oddly French looking and very elegant. It seemed so out of place, like it was lost and all alone. Somehow it even looked...sad.

Blaine walked up to it and ran his hand along the top edge. Like he suspected, it was very cold. It gave him an idea however. He took the hand he had been fidgeting with and placed it firmly in the middle of the black bench on top of what looked like a rose pattern. A freezing sensation crawled up his arm at first, but slowly it faded. Feeling that spot where his hand had it now felt warm. With a tiny bit of hesitation, he crawled up onto the bench and lay facing the sky. That same freezing sensation now exploded all over his back, but again it soon faded.

"I wonder if anyone is looking back at me..."

He looked up at the night sky. For the most part it was just a thick black with hints of blue still present. To some people this might be calming or even beautiful, but to Blaine it just made him feel tiny and very alone.

"What if no one is though? What is the point of this, of everything, if no one looks back after they die?"

A cool wind was blowing through the tiny park and it sent small goose bumps shooting across his skin.

"This can't be everything. This CAN'T be my entire life. If this is my entire life, the sadness, the anger, the loneliness...then why didn't I just...just..."

Blaine winced and thrashed his head to the side. _No. I am not going back there. _Shortly after he had read the letter he promised himself it would not happen again. Knowing someone might be out there that could feel for him like Mrs Tebbit had felt for Susan had caused this. He didn't know if things would ever get better, but he knew they could, and he had to at least give himself the chance to let them get better.

"It's not fair. I don't want to have to wait for something that...that...that might not even happen. Why can't things just get better now? Why do I have to keep living like this?"

A car backfired in the distance. Other than Blaine's voice it was the first sound in quite a while.

"WHAT DID I DO TO DESIRVE THIS LIFE!"

Blaine was now sitting up, panting, and red in the face. As some birds flew out of the tree next to him, he realized just how loud he had been. Sulking back down into the bench, he began to cry softly.

"God, if you exist, you are...just...really fucking cruel. All I wanted was to be normal. That is all I have ever asked of you. You are supposed to be able to cure the sick and help the blind to see, but you can't just reach down and...fix me too?"

This outburst had given to a new surge of tears. It was beginning to seem hopeless to try and figure out a way out of this rut. Nothing seemed to help and with every passing moment he could feel all those dark emotions creeping closer.

"I would give anything to be someone else...anyone else..."

The wind started to pick up and a strong howling noise like sirens started to ring through his ears. As he looked up the trees all around him started to bend and sway. Suddenly a loose piece of paper hit him square in the face. It seemed to just appear out of thin air. Peeling it off his face, Blaine stared at it. The paper was bright pink, so bright that it even showed it the dark of night. It read, it thick black letters that seemed to be absorbed into the pink, "THERE IS HOPE".

"There...is...hope..." Blaine repeated to himself.

He searched the paper for other writing, feeling it had to be some kind of an advertisement for something, but nothing apart from the three letters marked the paper. Looking around the park, he had no idea where it might have even come from.

"What is this, some kind of sick joke?" he spat, getting quite angry. "Is this your way of taunting me, God? You make me queer and then send me this thing mocking the fact I am some disgusting piece of shit everyone hates? FUCK YOU!"

He went to rip the paper in half like he had done to the pamphlet Sean had given him easier, but something stopped him. He felt his blood pumping excitedly as he prepared to rip it, but that was as far as he could go. It was as if invisible hands were resting on top of his own and preventing him from harming the paper. _There is hope. _The words rang through his mind over and over. _There is hope. _He tried harder to rip the paper now, wanting to prove to himself that there was no hope.

"It's hopeless! You hate me! Or don't exist! I'm...I'm never going to have a nice life...I'm always going to be miserable...and...and gay..."

Finally, he gave up and just threw the paper back to the air where it came from. It instantly flew back and hit him square in the face once more.

"Get...OFF me!" he screamed, slapping the paper away.

Like a magnet, it swiftly flew right back at his face. Nothing seemed to be able to get rid of the paper and those three words. He tried ripping it again, but it was a lost cause. Out of breath now, he finally gave up and just held the pink paper in his hands.

"Hope...how...how can I have hope after tonight..."

Blaine remembered the other piece of paper he had found: the letter. Mrs. Tebbit's voice was still playing in his mind like an old recording as it read the letter out loud, "_My heart is yours – eternally"._ It had stopped him from doing something truly horrible already, but those feelings of hope were fading.

"Your...your gone, Mrs. Tebbit. And you are never coming back. How can I have hope now? Not even you could smile through all the pain. I was going to fight, because of you, but...you ran...and just left me..."

The anger he felt earlier was brewing up again. She had been his only source of hope; his guiding light. It felt like he had been stabbed in the back. He was prepared for his parents to disappoint him, but not her. Every week he listened to her go on about being strong and things getting better and standing your ground. Watching her black car speed off into the distance felt like a large part of his heart was driving off as well. Now he felt empty, alone and above all hopeless.

"I can't...I can't go back to school. I can't face my parents. I can't...I can't...I can't..."

Once more the giant clock tower could be heard chiming in the distance. After it played the short melody it rang seven times. As it did, Blaine could feel his phone buzz once more in his pocket. Sighing, he took it out and read it with much hesitation.

_Please come home. I've talked to your father. He has calmed down. You can come home now. He has agreed to let you transfer schools. This one I found is quite far away, but it has a strict no-bullying policy. Come home and we can talk. – Mom_

Looking back down at the pink piece of paper still in his hand, the pink seemed to glow slightly brighter.

"There is hope..."

Blaine was starting to believe that, perhaps, there just might be.

**A/N: I know, I know. It was a quick one! Still, I hope you enjoyed it. Slightly less angst heavy than some of the other chapters I hope. As many of you pointed out, I am not good at judging angst levels - even if it is my own writing *shrug*. ANYWHO! Please review, you know how much I love reviews, and next chapter will be up when it is up and that is all you are getting about that!**


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